Emotions

I wonder if I really feel emotions.  I say things of an emotional nature because it is expected.  As far as I can tell, I don't really have emotions toward my family.  The closer I get to people, the harder time I have relating to them. 

 

Before my husband and I got married, I told him that I didn't know how to define feelings and that I might not really love.  I think that I love my boyfriend, but how can I really know?  I have a hard time explaining to people how I feel about things.  Some months ago, when I was attending one of Shai's classes, we were to describe an emotion via only shimmies.  I didn't have a single emotion to describe.  When asked, I made a joke of it, saying something about a story about a man named Jed.  I honestly had no emotion to describe.

 

Or is it merely a matter of not knowing how to describe emotions?  Maybe it hurts to let them be seen, so I shut them off?  Maybe I fear showing them, because of reactions that I have gotten through the years about being so 'emotional', what with my crying when I was upset.  Maybe in the process in trying to shut that off, I wound up shutting everything off.

 

I wonder if I will ever find that out?

 

Monica P. Collins

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'The great secret is not the variety of life, but the variety of us.'  L'Waxana Troi (Star Trek Next Generation)