Weekend

Yesterday, I did fairly good with the eating, what with having a handful of carrots every few hours. Until, that is, evening, when I had three chicken sliders. And the mini single-serving peach pie a bit before that.

I got all of my clothes washed, did all of the dishes, about three dishwasher loads worth.

I also scanned a lot of craft project pages.

I meant to do some work as well, however I kept putting that off and didn't get started until evening, and did not get very far.

Thinking Out Loud

I'm already thinking out loud and I've just taken my first sip of coffee. Maybe the activities of the morning did it, between the first day of my ride share, which had me actually getting to work on time; cutting filler paper for my footstools; etc.

A serving

This morning, when I got some carrots, I decided to only get a serving's worth, a handful. I figured that after 20 minutes, my stomach would be satisfied, however I figured that my head would still be craving more. Maybe, but I guess that I can tolerate it. So now I guess that I have to figure out what a serving of everything is.

I'm not sure how this happens

Duv had gotten somewhat miffed at me on the way to Whole Foods last night and I had figured it was because I did not want to hear, yet again, about Star Trek Online or one of his numerous 'interesting' dreams. This morning I find out it was because he said that he had asked that I not turn on the heater for a couple of days so that he could determine the exact problem going on with the car. I had said, yet again, that I did not recall him saying it. He said that yes he had told me, numerous times. to the extent that, he sad, that I had grown tired of discussing it. So why didn't I remember it yesterday? Was I operating on autopilot when I turned it on? Or was it more likely that I had put it out of my mind because I had grown tired of the conversation?

Things are more or less back to normal

Thanks ...

Monica Collins (from mobile)

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From: Monica 
Date: Jan 25, 2012 1:26 PM
Subject: Re: Easter
To: Tracey

I understand.  It came to me at Aunt Velma's funeral, watching Larry's daughter walking away from the casket and wiping away (ok, a chain of thoughts later, maybe 20 minutes) that for the past two years we've never acknowledged Mirtice Sands and I had wanted to make sure we did this coming xmas.  

Thanks ...

Monica Collins (from mobile)

---

On Jan 25, 2012 12:39 PM, Tracey wrote: 

And you're right by the end of the day on Xmas day I was very tired and maybe my tiredness showed up as irritation. You also recall that it is the anniversary of my mother's death so I was having mixed emotions and probably will have for every Xmas from here on in.

Sent from my iPad

On Jan 25, 2012, at 7:55 AM, Monica wrote:

I did not think that you were bashing, not at all.

Jamila explained about the shoulder, so I understand that and apologize.  I went by what you have said, and yes I would have known that if I were around more.  You may not have been 'angry' however your manner said irritation.  I was 'angry' because I had thought you were mad that I took as much as I did.  However, you never said exactly what you were irritated about so I could only assume.  So that was blown out of proportion due to misunderstandings on both of our parts.  I'm sorry for my part.  If my question had been which part would you have liked before I started, things probably have gone better. (present).  

I can understand about the mixed signals.  I often don't want to say what I'm really thinking, or can't think of something 'appropriate' to say.   Or sometimes I have nothing to say however to say something (on-going).

I haven't gone 'way over the top' on Christmas gifts in years. (past).

I also have not worked on too many xmas presents til xmas day in awhile as well. I hoped that I apologized for holding up dinner. (past).

I have figured out that you don't like things I pick out for you, which is why you now get gift cards. (on-going).

I have started taekwondo classes from someone here and work and when my back income tax is paid off, I will be going back to dance class. (present)

The rebuttal I supposedly said about drinking sounds like something Jamila would say, however if you say I said it, I will take your word for it.  None of my cars were trashed due to drinking.  A torn up transmission and pulled knee ligaments was. (past)

When I mentioned infractions, I was referring to my mis-actions, not my conversation.  Yes, I have a habit of joking, however not as much as in years past IMO.  I don't always answer questions because it either takes me a moment to pull up the info, or I choose not to answer and have to quickly come up with an appropriate response.  (on-going).

Your concern for where and how I live and dress is noted.  I haven't worn a short skirt since I gained weight, more than half a decade ago. (in-going)

I was not surprised about the price of the ham.  When I am asked to bring something, I gladly bring it.  If you would rather I donate money instead, I can do that to; I was referring to being broke previously.  (on-going)

Thanks ...

Monica Collins (from mobile)

---

On Jan 25, 2012 5:57 AM, Tracey wrote:

Monica,

I had to take some time to digest this message from you.  Whether you know it or not, you give off mixed signals.  You say one thing but mean another.  I don't like to play who shot John, but I am going to in this instance.  It was you who was angry with me, not the other way around.

 

No, you're no good at picking up subtle hints and you say you have to be told something straight up but when we do, you get upset about it.  Case in point – spending too much on Xmas presents.  You go way over the top, generally on things that people don't need, so I asked you not to do that anymore.  As for spending too much time on making presents, you used to be working on finishing up Xmas presents on Xmas day.  One time you even made yourself late trying to finish something, and trust me, no one loved you any more for doing so but we were annoyed with you for holding up dinner.

 

Self control.  Monica, most people struggle with self control.  If you don't mind being 50 lbs over weight, then that's your issue.  My issue with it is that you are setting yourself up for diabetes.  It runs in my family and the more overweight you are the more likely you are to develop it but if you don't mind injecting yourself with a needle 3 to 6 times a day for the rest of your life, then just keep right on overeating.  Just know that if you do develop diabetes, you have no one to care for you since, you will be in a nursing home by yourself, and baby that ain't pretty.  So my advice is to go back to belly dance lessons or something and get the weight down.

 

Arguments – well if you would stop trying to make a joke out of everything that comes out of your mouth and just talk naturally, maybe you would not make so many gaffs.  And for heaven sake, stop throwing up the past everything I say something.  If I say, do you really need to take that 3^rd drink before getting on the road, you throw back at me, "you drink".  Yes, I drink but somehow I have managed to learn how to keep the car on the road when I drink, something your history has shown that you have had trouble doing.

 

Living in the ghetto – MOVE.  You deserve something better than that.  I did not raise you in the ghetto and it breaks my heart to see you living there.  And for God's sake get rid of some of those cats.  1) You're breaking the law.  The limit is 3 dogs or cats in apartments and 2) it makes your home unattractive and makes others not want to come visit you which means you could never host a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner.

 

Speaking of which, do you have any idea how much Sharon and I usually spend on holiday meals?  We don't complain because we like to get the family together but it runs well over $100 and that's not with liquor.  And why are you broke anyway.  You make somewhere around $100K per year.  You need to figure out what you're spending your money on and stop wasting it on useless junk.  It's one thing to be a collector but quite another to be a hoarder.  Back to the holiday meals.  I think this is about the only year we asked anyone to bring anything.  You chose to bring the ham.  Shocked at the price were you?  We that's what I spend on one each year and have been doing it for years.  It's time for you and Jamila to share the load now that I'm not working anymore.  And just to set the record straight, I wasn't complaining about how much ham you took, only that you left me the portion that I could not do anything with.  I have had 3 rotator cuff surgeries and just because I don't walk around with my arm in a sling all the time it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.  I cannot perform any time of repetitive motions like sawing, or cutting, or sweeping or vacuuming that does not cause pain.  I also cannot do over head work like hanging pictures or lightbulbs (thankfully Jamila volunteers to do that for me and before the PACE party that I had here in December, replaced about 6 burned out bulbs for me. 

 

I could go on and on but you would only say that I'm bashing you when actually what I am doing is trying to show you that no, you do get subtle – like realizing that you are not 25 so stop trying to dress that way.  I'm not saying you should dress like a frump, but low cut dresses at work, and skirts up to your butt is something 20

 

From: Monica

Sent: Thursday, January 19, 2012 6:49 PM
To: Tracey
Subject: Easter

 

Since you think that we are still 'arguing', I will go ahead and say this now.

I will probably be skipping Easter.  I need a break.  As it is, I already hate the holidays to begin with.  Between worrying about whether my mother is going to get upset over something and my worrying about committing some infraction, I just need a mental rest.  One year I hear that I should not have spent so much on presents.  Another year I hear that I shouldn't put so much time and effort into making presents.  Or I hear that I didn't bring anything for dinner (even though it was when I was broke).  This year I hear that I take too much food.  I guess that everyone forgets that I've taken BP meds since I was eight and one of the side effects is that I eat and crave food a lot.  It so happens that honey ham and dressing are among my big craves, so yes, I wind up eating a lot of it.  Sorry about that.  And, unfortunately, due to my mania, I lag a bit behind on self-control, thinking of others ahead of myself and reading subtle messages.  Sorry about that as well.  (And for future reference, please just state whatever it is you would like to tell me instead trying to impart a 'subtle' message.  I also tell that to others.).   As I said before, I believe that some of the things that get brought up during these 'conversations' are from the past, and not the present.  

I don't ask for your acceptance of the facts, just your understanding of them.

"We must take things as we find them, and not as we wish them to be." -- Napoléon Bonaparte
 

Thanks ...

Monica Collins (from mobile)

Test #2

Today, while fixing dinner, I tried limiting my ingredients in my omelet.  I used my bowls that I bought for sushi, the kind cooks use to hold ingredients.  I cut chicken and onions to fill those, and no more.  I might have come out OK if I had used two eggs instead of four.  My greed always gets the best of me.  I can't even go to Gengis Grill and not overstuff the preparation bowl.  I pack it over halfway with seafood, a food I love so much that I crave it, then pile vegetables on top of it.  By the time it's cooked, there is always too much to eat in one sitting.  It's the same with sushi.

Test #1

Since I'm so broke this week that I can't get any beer, I decided to do a test.  This evening, when I felt the urge to get a beer - it's now become a habit after work - I decided to take half an anxiety pill to see if that alleviated it some.  It did for the most part.  One the way home, I didn't even sing along to the radio, until Chubby Checker came on right as I was getting out of car; it's hard not to sing to one of the twist songs. The fact that I was still sleepy, even after numerous cups of coffee, may have had something to do with it.  I'll try the test again tomorrow.

 

I wonder if this has become a habit just as much as a food craving?

 

Strong enough for a man but made for a woman [too]

I just found this on a digital Post-it note, which I am in the middle of clearing out. Some time back, I was at some web site, probably about.add.com, and I came across some article that was geared towards men. I had written this to post it to, but for whatever reason, never did. I think that is was a technical issue, or I didn't want it to time out on me, or some such thing.

----------------------------------

This isn't just for men

I know that this article is geared towards men, however, it sounds like this particular female's life.

For years, before being diagnosed with ADHD, I was a lot like like the 'male' described here. Even though I started on Lithium in my 20s for manic-only bipolar, I still had most of these problems. I had always lived by the philosophy of 'this is how I am', forcing people to accept what was presented to them, although most never did.

My ex left me over my 'faults': spending too much/money that wasn't available, and many other issues, leaving him to try and set things right. I have to admit that after a time, I grew to depend on that, which allowed me to continue my bad behaviors.

Even though I have been on medicines since 2003, I am still trying to learn better behaviors. My relationship with my boyfriend is pretty close to what it was with my ex; constant 'rerun' fights over the same ol' subjects, and other innane stuff. The major difference this time around is that he is aware of what makes me 'me', so he is armed better. However, it is draining on him to have to deal with my items sometimes, fights over finances, being asked to remember things.

For the longest time, he tried to give me the 'just do it' philosophy, like so many others have tried to do. I was finally able to make him come to see that it almost impossible to 'just do it' when you don't know 'what' you are supposed to be doing. Even though most everyone around us is 'just doing it' doesn't mean that we've picked up the how-tos. To this day, I have never dieted like so many women have. Don't get me wrong, I have restricted what I eat at times, things like that. However, if I wanted to have a candy bar everyday for two weeks in a row, I would probably not deny myself. I usually eat more than I need to, having 3 (sometimes 4) eggs in an omelet, instead of just 2, just because I've given in to, not the actual hunger, but the mental desire to eat what I think will fill me. And believe me, I know that I should probably just half what ever amount that I want to eat (or buy, or whatever), but I always give in to whatever desire it is. That's got to drive linears around me crazy, that I can't put limits on myself and keep them. I would not survive on 'Diet Tribe' lol.

It seems like I am always trying to find the limitations from outside of me, instead of within. To that end, I had asked my ex to help me limiit some things. There was real irony there, because I always go back against whatever limits that I wanted, and do it anyway. I'm sure that drove him crazy, because on top of everything else, I then was not keeping my word.

Maybe it should be geared towards those that are full-blown ADHD, male or female.

Where's the old me?

Duv mentioned some days ago that I was not acting like myself. When I asked him to elaborate, he said that I was much calmer and he was not used to it. In fact, he was finding it a bit disconcerting, and he was wanting the old Monica back lol. He doesn't know what to make of me when I'm acting somewhat normal. Interesting lol.

Theme for the weekend: very busy

Saturday, I ran some errands and then went to a TITAS event with Jamila. I spent too much there, getting something to eat twice and a flute of champaign. That would not have been so bad except that I should have kept some of that for gas, which I sorely needed. I only had four bucks left on the gift card that I had purchased to pay for my work software. Luckily, my only other card had another four bucks on it. That's not very much gas though. While I was at Kroger getting cat litter, I also got two 6-packs of 8oz Coors light. by Sunday morning, I only had three of them left. I had at least three of them on the way to meet Jamila, instead of taking an anxiety pill.

Sunday, I was extremely busy:

* emptied out all ten litter boxes and filled with fresh litter, to get rid of the litter that was contaminated with the worms. Some flies had popped up so I figured that was probably best.

* Washed, dried and put away all of my clothes. I even steam-cleaned the delicates that had been sitting for months, two of those. Some of those had to go in the washer, after I scrubbed the neckline with that stuff I found at Auto Zone. Since they were white tops and three pink pieces, I figured it was best to do that instead of letting it sit one more time. I also washed a load of towels. I put those into the dryer this morning.

* Hand-washed three loads of dishes, then loaded them into the dryer to be rinsed and dried. There are maybe 10 pieces left to be washed, with two of those needing a serious scrubbing. Every cat bowl, save the ones from this morning, are now also clean. Duv finally admitting that my way of doing dishes, although cumbersome, does get the dishes much cleaner, so it's now become mine to do. If I don't want to wind up with so many loads to do on the weekend, I need to start washing them the week.

* I finished up my last course for our yearly review and got one of the tests taken. I got almost half-way through the second one, which I finished up this morning. I hope to get one more done this week. With one of my goals incomplete, I need all of the extra credit that I can muster up lol.

* I worked some on my Proof of Concept for my Recall project, until my remote session started acting flaky again. While lying in bed this morning, I can up with more ideas for this project, which I will start on today.

* Gathered up trash where necessary and left by the door for Duv to take out.

I didn't even think about any of my home projects this weekend, which was a very good thing, since I needed to be concentrating on finishing my goal items.

Oh, and I had the remaining three beers, spacing them throughout the day, since I could not go out and get more. I tried to eat sparingly throughout the day, since I tend to eat too much on the weekends. I had chicken, and some sliced tomatoes, and an apple. I think that I also had a fruit cup. I took all of my meds this weekend as well.

Sunday was a good day.

Go with my gut

Three times in the past couple of days, I ignored an answer my gut was telling me and instead went with an analyzed answer. And three times I was wrong. Ever since I realized that my MBTI has me marked as thinking my way to a conclusion instead of feeling my way through it, I have tried to change my pattern and 'go with my gut'. I can recall maybe one time in the last couple of months that I was able to actually 'make' myself do that, lol. I guess that it's ingrained in me to do so lol.

Emotions

I wonder if I really feel emotions.  I say things of an emotional nature because it is expected.  As far as I can tell, I don't really have emotions toward my family.  The closer I get to people, the harder time I have relating to them. 

 

Before my husband and I got married, I told him that I didn't know how to define feelings and that I might not really love.  I think that I love my boyfriend, but how can I really know?  I have a hard time explaining to people how I feel about things.  Some months ago, when I was attending one of Shai's classes, we were to describe an emotion via only shimmies.  I didn't have a single emotion to describe.  When asked, I made a joke of it, saying something about a story about a man named Jed.  I honestly had no emotion to describe.

 

Or is it merely a matter of not knowing how to describe emotions?  Maybe it hurts to let them be seen, so I shut them off?  Maybe I fear showing them, because of reactions that I have gotten through the years about being so 'emotional', what with my crying when I was upset.  Maybe in the process in trying to shut that off, I wound up shutting everything off.

 

I wonder if I will ever find that out?

 

Monica P. Collins

ô¿ô                     ©¿©¬  
  ~        ®¿®¬       ~
                   ~

http://dayofanadder.blogspot.com/

http://adhdcodersunite.blogspot.com/

A member of stiletto feminism...

'The great secret is not the variety of life, but the variety of us.'  L'Waxana Troi (Star Trek Next Generation)

 

Xmas, part 2

It turns out that Mama may have balked about the piece of ham that I left was because she didn't want to have to cut it up, because of her shoulder.  The way that she had spoken, she gave an indication that her shoulder was fine; at least the email that she sent implied that.  I wish that she had just said that, however I guess that I should have assumed that.  So, that is where the 'not thinking about others' came from.  I can't really argue that either.  I'm the one that had taken her to the surgery appointment 11 months before, and a couple years before that.  Things like that just never occurs to me.  It didn't with my ex, and I saw him everyday.  It often doesn't with my boyfriend and I see him everyday as well.  I think that I only see it in others when they are very obvious about it.  In the case of my mother, I don't really care to see it, since I tend to spend all of my time avoiding her.

 

Monica P. Collins

ô¿ô                     ©¿©¬  
  ~        ®¿®¬       ~
                   ~

http://dayofanadder.blogspot.com/

http://adhdcodersunite.blogspot.com/

A member of stiletto feminism...

'The great secret is not the variety of life, but the variety of us.'  L'Waxana Troi (Star Trek Next Generation)

 

Xmas, part 1

It seems that all the family members thinks that I take too much food at events.  I can't really argue that one, because I think the same thing.  I worry at work functions that I have taken too much.  When I go the Tokyo One for the buffet, I usually wind up with more food than I can eat. I start out making a two-egg omelet and then wind up making a four-egg omelet, just because I thought that I felt that hungry.  I get four tacos, or six, from Jack In The Box, instead of the two for .99 that would satisfy most everyone else, because that's what I'm hungry for.  I remember once at 22 when I ate two Gourmet Budget meals at one sitting.  About halfway through the second one, I was full, however I kept eating.  I threw up right after the last bite because I kept eating, not wanting to have to throw away any of it.  I think that I've been this way since I was eight and stating taking what was available at the time, adult blood pressure medicines.  Anyone that has an mother or uncle whose weight shot up after starting BP meds knows something of which I speak.  One of the 5 common side effects of many medicines are weight gain.  Couple that with no self control and there is where my eating habit came from.  If I had actually tried to follow some diet, I might have learned what portions to actually eat, however I have never tried full-fledge diets, because I know that I'll give in, or never be satisfied with having to deprive myself.

 

This is part of the reason that Jr does not want to be my coach: he does not think that I can control my eating, only eating what has been dictated.  I really don't blame him. 

 

At this point, I'm at a total loss as to what to do.  I've planned to not take anything home from future family functions, however that doesn't cover other things.  How do I control myself when I have absolutely no control?

 

 

Monica P. Collins

ô¿ô                     ©¿©¬  
  ~        ®¿®¬       ~
                   ~

http://dayofanadder.blogspot.com/

http://adhdcodersunite.blogspot.com/

A member of stiletto feminism...

'The great secret is not the variety of life, but the variety of us.'  L'Waxana Troi (Star Trek Next Generation)

 

I just had what I would consider to be a very profound, and great, idea

While on the way down to the store a while ago, I was considering the BD videos I had just watched on YouTube, and it mingled with the blog post from earlier today, about lack of practicing.  I was thinking about why I don't like practicing: it basically amounts to the fact that the maintenance of dance gets to me before I can get to the fun of dance can be enjoyed.  The few times that I have practiced at home, I didn't even bother to warm up because I would quickly lose interest and just skip past it.  Even when I go to the gym to exercise, I do a really quick warm-up.  It only gets intensive when I am concentrating on building my stomach muscles and/or reducing stomach fat.  I never go for full sets or repetition of said reps when on the weights.  When I went to dance class, I would be bored before the warm-up was even finished.  Actually, in the case of warm-ups, I don't know if the word 'bored' actually qualified.  In those instances, it's probably a combination, with bored on the lesser end and not wanting to struggle more because of being tired on the higher end.  Anyway, it occurred to me that linear thinkers probably have more than a few thoughts about people like me in these situations: we're lazy, being childish, having no push or drive within us, etc.  I think that the second thing may be closer to the mark, however not for the reasons that they would think.  In the case of some abstracts such as myself, it's more the fact that we have not developed a lot of self-control, so we don't know how to push through the 'not wanting to', and most especially, doing that without some other outside motivation involved.  In the case of my going to class, my staying for the entire class had more to do with not wanting to waste the money that I had already spent, and not wanting to miss what would be covered in the second part of the class.  And depending on the time of the year, that could amount to my having to miss out on performing in some production.  And that I would hate that, since I really do love the performing part, and really, who doesn't?

Then the thought occurred to me that if people (i.e. linear thinkers) could hear my thoughts in situations such as that, like when I'm saying to myself why I really hate being in a given situation, such as practicing, they might find it enlightening.  They might really get a better understanding of what doesn't motivate us, which of course would lead to a better way to help us help ourselves.  Of course, that kind of situation is a long time off.  But then I hit upon the epiphany that in the case of someone like me, maybe we can.   Because some of us (abstract thinkers) still 'think out loud', or, in other words, have not transferred our external thinking to internal thinking as most people learned to do in childhood.  (I thank Dr. Barkley for his book that actually states why this happens to some of us)  It came to me how I could really benefit those not like me.  What if I were to record my 'external' thoughts?  What if I was to keep an account of my thoughts via a recorder, so that those not like me could get a better idea of our (i.e. abstract) internal processes?  Interesting notion.... because it would also explain to those like me (an abstract thinker) why we do what we do ...

 

As I said, interesting...   I think that it would make a very interesting paper.

 

Thanks ….

 

Monica Collins

Appl Sys Prog Analyst I

Information Technology Directorate

Army & Air Force Exchange Service

214-312-2353 

collinsm@aafes.com

Visit our online store! www.shopmyexchange.com

 

FW: Eye color

This brought about a 50-minute ‘conversation’ about health and cholesterol with Duv.  I had sent him this because of the eye color thing, since I pointed out the blue in mine a few weeks ago.  He thought that I was sending it to lament about the state of my health.  I guess that I brought that one on a few days ago: I had mentioned that, stereotypically, 1) women often state problems to people to ‘get it off of their chest’, not get it solved and 2) men are often the opposite, expecting that in that situation, whatever was voiced should be solved.  So, with that in mind, he expected that I was unconsciously ‘bitching’ about my health situation.  We also had our usual ‘disagreements’ on the medical industry versus natural healing methods.

 

I already know that I have a lot of things to do if I wanted to change my health status, and I also know that most of them will probably not get done.    I have never changed my diet, even when I actively lost weight a decade ago.  I merely watched what I ate, as opposed to denying myself certain foods.  If I wanted a burger, I had a burger.  I also took a handful of Metabolife each day, at least six if I recall correctly.  I had someone waking me up early in the morning to go to the gym for the first few weeks.  After a while, I was somewhat in the habit, however I think it was mostly because I wasn’t sleeping much because of all the supplements that I was taking.    Having stopped my head pills when I got started also helped to make me more hyper. (I had to start back on those after 2000 because I was not doing very well at work, even worse than usual, and I know that I dare not drop them again like last time.)    I spend more time at work than I used to, to compensate for distracted/wasted time during the day.  And forget about getting up early again; already tried that and that did not work.  The only time that I have willingly gotten here early, or even on time, was when I either got a ride from Kevin or took the bus for a year before I replaced my car.  As much sleep as I need because of my BP pills, I more often than not sleep until the last possible minute, which definitely contributes to my usually being late.  If I don’t have to get up, I don’t, so I have not gone in early to go back to exercising.  I work late, so I don’t want to hit a crowded gym after work, having me home even later.  I don’t use the equipment that I have at home; I’m always doing something else and I can’t get myself up early.  I had a better ability to do this when I was very manic; however I can’t go back to that, since that definitely affects my work.  Giving up the extra time at work isn’t very good either.  And so far, I can’t make myself do much of anything else; hell, I can’t even get myself to practice or work on craft projects or costumes until I am down to the wire and have practically no time left.  I’m kind of screwed until I can control that.

 

I have kept sporadic check on my health through the years.  I kept a better check on my blood pressure before my weight loss, when an actual nurse worked here.  I would take the cards that they provided to Pangtay every year.  I was especially good about it during 1998 and 1999, when I was trying to lose weight.  In fact, Pangtay even pointed out my pressure differences because of the supplements that I was taking.  After that, and after we got rid of the nurse on staff – they figured that because the distribution center was closed we didn’t one anymore – I lost interest in doing it and would only check occasionally.  I have not kept track of what my yearly physical checks have been.  Until a few years ago, after I turned 40, my numbers were good on everything, other than occasional changes in the cysts in my breasts, which I have been checking since I was 30, far before I needed to. 

 

Duv is of the opinion that there is more that I could be doing to supplement everything the medicines do.  He is also of the opinion that my cholesterol could be cleared and that my arteries could possibly be opened via some natural means.  I’ve sporadically looked into having something done about my possible artery problem every few years.  In fact, I looked into it again a couple of years ago, but I never finished the damned stress test, due to the fact that I couldn’t run on the treadmill.  So, along with having no control, I also don’t like to be uncomfortable.

 

Gee, it must suck to be me.

 

 

From: Monica
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:22 AM
To: Sharon; Lisa; Jamila
Cc: Monica; Robert
Subject: RE: Eye color

 

I should say that I’ve seen older people with eyes of bluish shades; however, I had assumed that it was the natural color.

 

Thanks ….

 

From: Monica
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:11 AM
To: Sharon; Lisa; Jamila
Cc: Monica
Subject: RE: Eye color

 

That’s interesting.  I had never heard about that.  I guess that I don’t know a lot of ‘old’ people lol.  Plus, I guess that’s another sign that I’m getting ‘older’, along with my having to get bifocals last year lol.

 

I do take something for my cholesterol.

 

Ok, I just looked it up.  So far, I’ve found two things mentioned: melanin loss and bad diets.  Well, that explains Mother’s blue eyes that she was marveling about a couple of years ago.  That was why it had even come to mind when I saw my blue ring.  I had thought that she was implying that she might have always had them, not that they had changed color due to her age.

 

Thanks ….

 

From: Sharon
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 8:23 AM
To: Monica; Lisa; Jamila
Subject: RE: Eye color

 

No. Blue around the iris is very common when people start to age. Especially those with higher levels of cholesterol. Have you ever had your cholesterol checked? I’d get on that right away. I say this because high blood pressure + high cholesterol can lead to stroke (Aunt Andrea).

 

From: Monica

Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 8:15 AM
To: Sharon; Lisa; Jamila
Subject: Eye color

 

I’ve been meaning to ask you guys something.   Some weeks ago, I had something stuck in my eye and I was looking real close at it in the mirror, trying to clear out whatever it was.  While I was looking, I noticed that the ring around my iris was blue.  I had known about the ring for the longest time, of course, but I had never paid attention to the actual color.  I had a coworker look as well and he confirmed it.  I was wondering if you guys also had the same thing going on with your eyes.

 

Thanks ….

 

 

Sunday

We spent the afternoon cleaning. After another 'discussion' about where the dirty kitchen towel container has been sitting -- one the other side of the bar where I have never liked it sitting, I did some rearranging late yesterday afternoon. The same goes for the can we put the cat litter into before it gets carried outside. It seems that Duv has not been washing the towels that I have left sitting on the kitchen floor, instead waiting until I carry them to the container, which usually does not happen. He's starting to do what Jim would do: not doing something in hopes that I would 'get the message'. More often than not, the 'message' would not even be seen by me.

Anyhoo, I told him that I would find another spot for the containers. His only stipulation was that they could not sit out in the kitchen and they could not sit near food. He wanted me to immediately divulge my idea for my changes. I put off answering him by saying that I had not completely formulated my plan yet. He's the complete opposite of me: he needs to have all of the information beforehand, whereas I can get started before I have everything in place. Actually, I had already planned everything out, having worked it out pretty quickly in my head. However, I did not want to answer him because I did not want him to shoot it down before I even got started. When he does not like something, he will not even consider hearing anything about it. He says that I am supposed to 'convince' him otherwise. There are two problems with that. I do not 'convince' people of things. I am usually flustered to immediately come up with another description of what I'm trying to convey. And, I do not have the patience to go through convincing people to do what I want. What is the phrase: it's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. I think that I've lived by that philosophy long before I ever heard that saying lol.

Anyhoo, I moved the cat food from underneath the sink, putting the containers on top of the fridge. I then put both of the containers underneath the sink, back to where I have been used to them being for most of my life. This puts them back in the kitchen, where they belong. The ca

Meds

Saw Dawn yesterday. My manic med was upped in dosage, while the Lithium dose was kept where it was. We had previously discussed decreasing the Lithium to the point where we could get rid of it, however we both agreed that we shouldn't mess with a combination that seems to be working. I also got a script for anxiety. After having looking up some info on it, I wrote down some descriptions of my symptoms to see if they qualify. I only am to take it as needed.