FW: I think that I just had an 'ah-ha' moment

 

 

Thanks ….

 

 

 

From: Collins, Monica P.
Sent: Wednesday, December 29, 2010 1:48 PM
To: Morgan, Robert (home)
Subject: I think that I just had an 'ah-ha' moment

 

I was in the middle of another thought (South Beach and dieting) and then (I think) I made a connection.  The Dr. Barkley that I told you about, whose latest book I have, believes that the lack of self-control leads inattentiveness by the hand.  In other words, because one does not have the ability to control oneself and environment, the ability to drown out the distractions and whatnot  is lessened and causes problems (ADHD).  Well, what if Dr. Brophy (and maybe Mascerenhas) is of the same mindset?  What if he is under the belief that if I gain more control over my mania, I would therefore gain more control of distracting things?  Maybe he does not believe in ADHD as a primary disorder, but instead a secondary one?  Food for thought.

 

However that may be, he still should not make someone wait for an entire week to get a script refilled.  His day can’t be that fucking full.  Hell, he’s doing it all by eFax anyway, how hard can it be?

 

Thanks ….

 

 

 

Leg bounce

My leg is bouncing like crazy again today.  Not really sure of the cause though.  I have not a lot of coffee so far today; I only had one cup all of yesterday.  I have not had a lot of any kind of stimulants that would do it.  And, I am calm about the project that I am currently working on.  A real pain in the ass, cuz the shaking interrupts me.  Constantly.

 

Bummer #2

This software that I have that keeps track of what I do on my work PC has the nasty habit of pointing out that even though I am always busy doing something, I get very little of significance done. That sucks.

Bummer #1

I am just now getting started on work, as in starting in on the assignment at hand. I have been doing other things related to work, but it has still taken me this long to get those minor things cleared. That does bug the hell out of me. A lot.

Bummer #2

This software that I have that keeps track of what I do on my work PC has the nasty habit of pointing out that even though I am always busy doing something, I get very little of significance done.  That sucks.

Bummer #1

I am just now getting started on work, as in starting in on the assignment at hand.  I have been doing other things related to work, but it has still taken me this long to get those minor things cleared.  That does bug the hell out of me.  A lot.

 

Thanks ….

 

Monica Collins

Appl Sys Prog Analyst I

Information Technology Directorate

Army & Air Force Exchange Service

214-312-2353 

collinsm@aafes.com

Visit our online store! www.shopmyexchange.com

 

 

A greater lack of patience

It seems that I lose patience with people's conversations a lot more than usual.  I want people to get on with what they are trying to say much more.  Probably an S.A.D. Thing or maybe a menopause thing.  Does this mean that i'm getting bitchy in my old age?  Is it related?  I read that our symtoms can increase with age.  Maybe  that's why.

#END

Thanks ...

Monica Collins (from mobile)

Thinking Inside My Head vs. Thinking Out Loud

I’ve noticed that I am able to think inside my head (i.e. not talk to myself) great in the car on the way in to work. When that happens, I use my turn signals and do everything else that I’m supposed to be doing. Shortly after I get to work, probably as more people start to arrive and noise picks up, I switch to what I refer to as ‘thinking out loud’. So, is it the noise of people talking around me that causes me to do that, trying to clearly hear my own thoughts? Or is it that when I’m alone I find the idea of my voice breaking the silence disturbing so I think inside my head? Inquiring minds want to know ….

Thinking Inside My Head vs. Thinking Out Loud

I’ve noticed that I am able to think inside my head (i.e. not talk to myself) great in the car on the way in to work.  When that happens, I use my turn signals and do everything else that I’m supposed to be doing.  Shortly after I get to work, probably as more people start to arrive and noise picks up, I switch to what I refer to as ‘thinking out loud’.  So, is it the noise of people talking around me that causes me to do that, trying to clearly hear my own thoughts?  Or is it that when I’m alone I find the idea of my voice breaking the silence disturbing so I think inside my head?  Inquiring minds want to know ….

 

testing testing testing, 2nd verse not the same as the first

This is a test to see if I can update both Yahoo newsgroup and blogger post.  I have added something before my signature so that it doesn’t show up on the post.

 

Even when I set myself up to concentrate well, I don't quite cut it.

I was going back and forth between 6 screens, one of those my phone and one my netbook. Oh, and listening to a ‘Star Trek’ episode. And eating a pomegranate. I was actually working on this new assignment, trying to determine what FTP stuff needs to be converted to SFTP, while going back and forth between a few things on 3 different sources. And while suddenly remembering something about a past item and detouring to look up a past email and forward it to someone. It came to me that I’d probably have better luck if I changed to white noise, so I did that. After 40 minutes of the white noise, I’m now listening to a movie, cuz it didn’t seem to be helping all that much.

testing testing testing

This is a test to see if I can update both Yahoo newsgroup and blogger post.

 

Thanks ….

 

Monica Collins

Appl Sys Prog Analyst I

Information Technology Directorate

214-312-2353 

collinsm@aafes.com

 

 

We Have Moved!

I am going to try doing this, instead of my Yahoo usergroup, since no one seems to see that one.  Next will be trying to move those postings over to this one.  Good luck!

Not a good day at Black Rock

8:00 AMMonica

hola

8:00 AMRobert

whats the deal

8:00 AMMonica

what deal?

8:00 AMRobert

its an expressoin

whats up

8:01 AMMonica

lol isn't that 'what's the deal-ee-o'?

8:02 AMRobert

sure

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11:31 AMMonica

would you like my pear?

11:32 AMRobert

i would

11:32 AMMonica

but what?

11:32 AMRobert

but feel that you would get better enjoyment from it

11:32 AMMonica

you don't like pears?

11:32 AMRobert

being as how pear is my least favorite of anything with seeds in it

11:32 AMMonica

lol

pears have very few seeds in them.

i'm betting you just don't like the taste of them.

11:33 AMRobert

texture mostly

but yes

11:34 AMMonica

I can understand that. I occasionally have that happen, when a pear isn't 'just right'.

11:34 AMRobert

yes

me, more often than nt

also, there was a very productive pear tree behind the house growing up

and it smells like death in the summer

11:34 AMMonica

lol just more sensitive about it, i guess

11:34 AMRobert

+ all the bees/yellow jackets

11:34 AMMonica

ew

11:35 AMRobert

ya

11:35 AMMonica

and how would you know what death warmed over smells like?

11:38 AMRobert

ive seen the reaper

11:38 AMMonica

you have not

11:39 AMRobert

i have

and he smells like death

11:39 AMMonica

and what did you do to come so close to death?

11:41 AMRobert

talked back to my grandmother

11:41 AMMonica

lol

well then hell, i've faced that many a time standing in front of my mother lol

11:42 AMRobert

lolz

11:42 AMMonica

trust me, only a southerner knows the fear of the words 'bring me my belt'.

11:43 AMRobert

lollerz

11:46 AMMonica

I'm going to have to make a trek downstairs soon, for some BK fries. Unless I can talk someone into doing it for me, being a temp gimp and all ...

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12:48 PMRobert

just saw this

i woulda gotten them

12:48 PMMonica

well thank you, maybe next time

mmmmmm, bk fries ....

12:49 PMRobert

lolz

12:49 PMMonica

not mickey d's, but they will do in a pinch ....

12:50 PMRobert

lulz

12:51 PMMonica

i was not meant to go to tinker

12:51 PMRobert

me either

i went to the ft hood one, maybe thats why

12:52 PMMonica

i thought that you already went? the 1st time.

ooooooooooo

12:52 PMRobert

12:52 PMMonica

is that the one near witicha falls?

12:52 PMRobert

kileen

12:53 PMMonica

hmmm, so that is 3 within a day's drive of us

12:54 PMRobert

yea

12:54 PMMonica

I got up early, at 5, to make sure i had plenty of time to do everything, and still wound up leaving after 6.

then i slipped going to my truck

12:56 PMRobert

so were you scheduled to go today?

12:56 PMMonica

yup

12:56 PMRobert

dang

that sucks

12:56 PMMonica

oh it gets worse lol

12:57 PMRobert

*sits to listen*

12:57 PMMonica

i didn't get gas last night, cuzzz i hate getting gas.

12:57 PMRobert

why

12:58 PMMonica

hmmmmm, good question. probably cuz i have to interrupt whatever it is i'm doing to get it (lack of patience) and (sub-consciously) i'm spending money for gas that i could be spending somewhere else. like beer.

12:59 PMRobert

yea

beer > gas

1:00 PMMonica

you see my dilemma, right? so anyway, right after i passed gas stations and wasn't about to go near any for another minute or two, i ran out.

1:00 PMRobert

1:00 PMMonica

that was about 6:15, 6:20.

1:00 PMRobert

dang

you have to push?

1:02 PMMonica

naw, wasn't about to do that, rodeo is too damned big. i get out and walk to the mickey d's i just passed, ask them where the closest one was. i figured i was not getting to work at all, and just wanted to get some gas and then go home.

1:02 PMRobert

dang

1:02 PMMonica

not one damned person stopped to see if a fellow human being was ok. until i hit the cross road and started walking that way.

go to gas station and back to my truck. somewhere around 6:40-something.

no, almost 6:50.

1:04 PMRobert

1:05 PMMonica

called david, asked him to contact janice and let her know i would probably miss them, so don't worry it they don't see me. meanwhile, i head off with my measlly 2 gallons of unleaded.

i turned in the back way (other end of Jardin) and stopped right in front of the bus, got out, asked if i could go park (meaning, please wait a few more moments).

1:06 PMRobert

dang

1:07 PMMonica

yeah, i know. now, here comes the bone-head part. i'm right next to a parking lot, right?

1:07 PMRobert

right

1:08 PMMonica

i start heading to one that i normally go to, either right inside the gate or where you park. it has been literally years since i've parked right across the street. so the thought of trying to turn around (thought came to mind twice while i'm heading to my usual spots) ...

1:14 PMRobert

lol dang

1:20 PMMonica

oh oh, the final stab ....

so i'm walking across the parking lot, right? the bus is parked right outside, where the dip into the sidewalk is. i've gotten to that little section right inside of the gate ... and i watch the bus pull off.

as I said, I was not meant to go.

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1:38 PMMonica

my thigh is really uncomfortable right now.

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I hate this

For years, nay, decades, I have had a footstool under my desk at work. I noticed early on that when I leave my feet on the ground, and I’m sitting straight, my legs bounce, usually my right one. I noticed that when I put my feet up and stretched out, the urge to bounce was gone. Some weeks ago, I tried removing the stool. I had reasoned that I was losing precious moments each day, switching from sitting with my feet up, scooted down in the seat, to scooting back up in the seat to put my feet on the floor. On some days, I seemed to do that nearly non-stop.

I just decided to go back to the way I had it. I think that the back-and-forth is much better than bouncing most of the time.

I wonder if on the days the switching back-and-forth had more to do with being more hyper than usual? I’ll have to pay attention to that in the coming weeks.

Bouncing leg

My leg bounces when I’m irritated. Or agitated. And I do it when I’m high on energy. I have not noticed if it does when I’m upset; I don’t think that I do however I have not paid that much attention. Is hyperactivity in an adult ADDer merely a way of expressing extreme emotions?

Wall-E

"I have been watching this movie all week, except for the day that I was home. Right now, it’s a favorite and I’m watching it the way someone will listen to their favorite song over and over."

This Sucks

There is a silent auction downstairs today and I can’t even look at it, since I don’t have any cash on me.  I’m tempted to look and see if I’m interested in anything, then borrow money from Jr.

Maybe it's as simple as what I said earlier

Maybe an adult ADDer still learns in the same way as a child ADDer, by repeated actions.    And maybe it still takes presenting adults with rewards and consequences, just as it is with children.  I mean, losing a marriage is a consequence of bad behaviors.  Going through that action over and over should teach someone that repeating the same actions gets the same results of a divorce, whereas changing some of the indicated bad behaviors keeps the marriage going longer.  I’m thinking that there may be no way around having to be a child again, so to speak, to learn all of this.  I think that I’ve come up with this logic before because the conclusion that I’ve come up with feels like a very familiar thought to me: the spouse that takes on the role of the ‘parent’ will grow very tired of having to teach all of the time and will eventually leave. 

 So, who do I get to take on the role of ‘teacher-parent’?  Just like a parent is special to a child, someone that you usually want to please, I would think the ‘teacher-parent’ should be just as special, like a best friend, a mentor or spouse, someone that you don’t want to let down. 

 The consequences would have to be just as detrimental as having TV or PC privileges taken away are to a child.  What could that ‘teacher-parent’ hold over an adult’s head that would be detrimental to that adult?  It would have to be something that the ‘teacher-parent’ would not hesitate to use, that would not cause damage to the ‘teacher-parent’.  Because of that, I’m sure that those that have taken on that role hesitate to use the threat of separation much.  They either don’t want to separate themselves, or use it all of the time but don’t really mean it, which means that after awhile, it loses it threat-ability.  Money might work, most especially if it’s used more as a reward than as a consequence.

 I just started crying on the phone.  That tells me that I really do care what Duv thinks about me and that I want to do things better.  And, I am at a complete loss because I don’t know how to control myself.  Maybe people inherently need those checks and balances and maybe ADDers just need more of them in place to teach them; after all, we are very bad at subtlety.   Maybe those constant reminders of the rewards and consequences of our actions are what we need to keep us in line, because our minds are all over the place, and can’t always see through the dozens of other thoughts, the image of what we will lose if we act bad, or what we will gain if we act good.  The major problem with that logic is that linear thinkers, who don’t live their lives with the myriad of thoughts crowding their heads, see the reward/consequence in plain sight, and just don’t understand why we abstract thinkers don’t see it as well.  The constant reminding of them would tend to make them bigger, so to speak, in our minds, to my way of thinking.  However, linears don’t want to have to keep reminding us of that.  Just as parents eventually get tired of having to remind children over and over about this and that, I speculate that teachers of adults have the same problem, actually even more so because they figure that the adult should already know it and should not have to be told.  I should not have to be told to not spend money dedicated to something else.  I should not have to be reminded of it over and over.  My linear boyfriend does not have to be reminded that he can’t spend money that is supposed to be going to something else and he expects that his abstract girlfriend should always be thinking the same way.  My linear ex-husband thought that his abstract ex-wife should want to willingly do her share of the housecleaning, and not have to be poked and prodded to do them.  It is my belief that since the two of them did not understand that since there were no consequences attached to them in my mind, they did not stand out among the many other thoughts so anything that popped up in front of them looked much more appealing. 

The consequence of getting speeding tickets keeps me from speeding (most of the time; the more I’m drugged, the more I tend to drive the limit, however I think that feeling really, really good can sometimes override the medicines).  I’ll bet that getting paid for driving the speed limit (i.e. a reward) would encourage me even further, kind of like what All State does for drivers that go a year without getting tickets.  Maybe it’s just a simple matter of stating those rewards and consequences, and really truly meaning them.  Some little blurb of an article I read many, many years ago just came to mind.  A woman had been trying to quit smoking for years, but had never succeeded.  Her husband had made a deal with her.  She had wanted a fur coat.  He agreed that for every day that she did not smoke, he would give her an amount of money.  At the end of the year, he would double it and help her to get the coat that she wanted.  That was a very good incentive to her.  The reward of that coat kept her going.  I have often read in various things about setting yourself the reward of something to pick up the habit of doing something or when you are trying to achieve something, like weight loss.  I think that it doesn’t work in my case because there is nothing that I can hold over my head.

Lithium update

I am on my 3rd mug of coffee today. The first one had half caffeine, half decaf. All of them had a teabag of chamomile in it.

Lithium update

I’m a little sleepy right now. I’ve had an afternoon dose of melatonin. I’ve also only had one mug of coffee today, on top of a 16oz cup of coke this morning. After 3pm, I try to avoid more coffee, so I will put up with it. This may be the best mix of supplements until the put in the tryptophan.

I also noticed that over the last few days, my days have gone pretty quickly. I get to late afternoon, and the day has not seemed to have dragged by. Of course, that could have something to do with the fact that I have been working on rescue for a few days now.
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