My ManicTime tags

I have loaded my ManicTime tags from today and yesterday.  I have been very, very lax with this, pretty much on purpose.  When it was a bad day, the last thing that I wanna do is post it.

This weekend

Got a bit done this weekend.

I decided that I am not going to try and go to Yaa Halla (bellydance seminar) this year.  With my spillover from my matrix raise -- the lump sum that I will get paid because the percentage goes past how much I am supposed to be making (the only way I am getting a raise is to get bumped up to the next level, big sigh) -- I could buy the whole weekend.  However, what I have known for some years is this: 1) the teachers tend to teach a routine that is on some DVD, one that they happen to be selling at the seminar, which I usually can't get (not without buying through some nefarious means; 2) I do much better by having the DVD because even though I record the seminars I attend, there are some times that it helps to 'see' what they are trying to describe.  So, this weekend, I started searching for DVDs at Amazon, and searching for torrents and YouTube videos, of the dancers teaching at Yaa Halla this year.  I might still try to take a day's classes, depending on how much of my matrix I have left; I still would like to go and see Maroon 5, and maybe go to the Meet and Greet if a ticket is left.

I also got a lot of PC housekeeping done, by moving a lot of the shortcuts that I had saved all over my various PCs into EverNote.

I also dishes washed, and got clothes and covers washed.  I still have not gotten the bed made up; that's about the last thing left.

Cleaning out my closet

Last night, I started going through my closet and got rid of clothes that are too small for me to be wearing.  Anything smaller than XL is gone from half of the closet now.  Sad, since I still liked a number of the pieces that I got rid of.  However, when you reach 197lbs, you really have to be realistic.  The top that I wore to work yesterday was a medium, way, way too tight to have even been in my closet, since I’ve only had it a few months.  I do have more room on that side of the closet now.  And I have four bags to drop off at the DAV.  I’ll probably have a couple more tonight to add to it.  I should go through my shoes, too.  I have a number of pairs that I’ve either had too long or I’m not wearing at all.  I can stand to reclaim some room in my shoe drawers as well.

I don't have the same interest in this anymore

I really don’t see how linears pretend to such dedicated interest all of the time.  I am really tired of hearing about all of the stem cell stuff.  Really.  Most especially since I don’t think it will do all that much to improve his health, not like he thinks it will.  $12,000 for very, very little.  And on top of all of that, another year gone as we wait until I can get another loan from my 401k.  As much as he hates this fact, my consensus is one of two things: either he has got his homebrewed treatment going well enough that he is sufficiently well enough to get by in the world, or that his kidneys are so shot that he will have no recourse but to go on dialysis.  The way that he’s been talking about the state of his kidneys lately, I’m seriously betting on the latter.

 

He wants so much from the world, however it seems to me that every step he has taken has been so against the way that everyone else does things, and he then wonders why he is not farther along.  The entire world cannot be against you.  If you are seeing the same pattern against yourself over and over and over, you have to take some of the blame for things being as they are.

 

Oh, and my being extremely tired of being broke all of the time greatly contributes to all of this.  This has turned into an arranged marriage of sorts.  If he had not needed a place to stay right after we met, I’m sure that we would not have continued to see each other.  We are nothing alike and hardly ever see things the same way.  We love each other because we have spent nearly a decade together.  There was never ‘in love’.  And, to add insult to injury, I don’t even get the usual ‘chick’ niceties, like getting kissed. 

 

I’m just very, very tired of this.  Yes, I’m being selfish because I am getting very little out of this and I really don’t care who knows it.  This might be somewhat tolerable if I had someone on the side, however I don’t even have that.  I don’t want the two guys at work that want to hang out with me, cuz they only have one objective and are not even willing to work for it.  The guy that I did have an interest in proposed to a 23-year-old idiot that is only interested in drinking, partying, never working and being taken of.  For some absurd reason, he seems to find that sexy, yet the entire time I’ve known about her, he has done nothing but complain about how she’s only using him and giving nothing return.  Sheer stupidity.

 

I really am tired of dealing with guys right now.

Damn

I could really stand a couple of beers right now, or better yet, Long Island iced teas.  This late, though, I won’t venture out to get one.

This time was actually a discussion ...

… as opposed to an outright argument.  Military Star card.  Paid it down.  Then immediately ran it up again.  There was no yelling because he’s making a conscious effort not to, since our arguments always deplete him and make him feel worse.  I believe that the words ‘distrust’ and ‘disgust’ came up.  We even discussed my taking over my credit cards, and if I ran them into the ground then so be it.  Any overages on my part would then have to be covered by my discretionary funds, such as groceries or gas.  Between the time he went to his room to get my other credit card and his returning, he changed his mind on that.  He figured that he and the cats would still wound up suffering in some way.  That, and the fact that he cares too much.

 

Actually, that is probably exactly what needs to happen to me.  Whenever something’s happened to me in the past, something happened that turned things around so that I didn’t suffer all that much.  When I was 21 or so, and let those idiots sell me a car … and, by their not touching old car, had myself owing on two cars at the same time, that saving grace was that the company decided to close shop and disappear, with my old car along with others, that got me out of that mess.  That has happened in some shape or form for probably most of my life.  Nothing happened enough times to really drive the points home.  I usually found some way to save myself, or skirt the issue, or have it hit to a much lesser degree.

 

However, if I wound up having to suffer to teach me the consequences of my actions, would that even do any good?  Case in point: my mother.  Her life is not all that much better than mine.  She rents the house she lives in.  She is within a handful of years of retirement, and she can’t afford to retire, and she even obligated herself with a car payment she didn’t really need as much as want.  Her bonuses have been her saving grace all of these years.  She still plays ‘beat the bank’.  I know this because when I took her to a surgery appointment earlier this year, I watched her ‘get caught’ because she wanted to write a check for it, and her plans got screwed because the nurse rang up the entire total on her card, taking money from some other bill.  Her answer to my query was she has to (as in to get by from paycheck to paycheck).  I had to actually not allow myself to have checks on my account, else I would still be attempting it.  That’s about the only amount of control I’ve had over my spending issues in all of these years.  Of course, that has not stopped me from taking from whatever I could to get what I want.  I get loans against my 401K, meaning that I haven’t invested in my retirement account since 2000.  I have a shitload full of music downloads due to a web screen snafu, and my pushing  that error for all it was worth.  If a credit card sometimes lets amounts through, probably through an inability to check limits, I will exploit it whenever possible; I just tried to do the very same thing this past weekend.  I buy gift cards on my store card to get extra money.  Which is what started today’s ‘discussion’. 

 

I have never changed my ways for my ex-husband, nor for my boyfriend.  If I had ever had kids, would I have changed for them, like I like to hope that I would?  Truth be told, besides never having the inner desire to have and raise a child, I usually doubt that I would do the correct thing by any kid I might have had. I haven’t done right by myself for my own self.   I haven’t at 46, my mother hasn’t at 63.  I wonder if Jamila will truly ever learn as well.  After all, her answer to losing a job because she was constantly late was to find one where she had a lot of leeway about arrival times.  When she crashed her car, she turned around and got another one (which was exactly what I did 2 cars back, however one car back, when that one was lost due to impatience on my part, I refrained from getting another one until I knew where my finances stood, hence the 16 months sans one.)  Shouldn’t a 29-year-old strive for more?  Hell, I’m one to talk since the only time I was consistently on-time to work, if not downright early, was those 16 months of going without a car.  Having to rely on catching the bus on time, or making sure I was ready when my ride arrived, was the only thing that kept me on track.

 

So, in the end, am I really screwed?  Both my mother and I know that no guy wants to put with you for long if you can’t handle your own.  I know it, however I don’t know if she ‘truly’ knows it.

FW: Conversation with Sargeant, Becky

Lol, I'm surprised Becky never said anything earlier lol. 

Even after all of these years of trying to condition myself to think inside of my head, it still feels unnatural to do so.  It just does not 'feel' right to have only had the thought inside of my head.  It's not completely 'thought out' until I have spoken it.

Thanks ….

 

From: Sargeant, Becky
Sent: Monday, June 06, 2011 2:54 PM
To: Sargeant, Becky; Collins, Monica P.
Subject: Conversation with Sargeant, Becky

 

Sargeant, Becky [2:43 PM]:

Do you realize you are (8) out loud?  :)

Collins, Monica P. [2:44 PM]:

Yeah.  I try to do it quietly.  It's probably more noticable at the moment cuz it's really quiet right now.

Sargeant, Becky [2:45 PM]:

I hear it frequently, but just wondered if you realized - I've worked with people before and they didn't realize - they thought they were just mouthing - I'd tell them they were singing out loud and they'd be :$

just curious is all

Collins, Monica P. [2:47 PM]:

yeah, i know.  I don't have much of an 'in my head' voice, which is why I'm always talking to myself lol.

Sargeant, Becky [2:47 PM]:

I can relate sometimes - I get mine from for the most part living alone

Collins, Monica P. [2:47 PM]:

lol

Unfortunately for me, I'm wired that way.  Quite a few abstract thinkers have the same quirk.

Sargeant, Becky [2:48 PM]:

right