New year

This is a good way to be spending New Year's Eve: at home scanning patterns because I have no where else to go. Terrible. You know what they say: whatever you find yourself doing New Year's Day is what you will be doing all year. So, I will spend the rest of the year cleaning and scanning patterns. Actually, that's not bad, since I need to be doing that anyway lol.

FW: Thanks for everything

And this is what happened Christmas .....

---

Date: Sat, 31 Dec 2011 00:44:12 -0600
From: mp_collins@hotmail.com
To: Sharon.~~~~~@~~~~~~.com; Lisa.~~~~~@~~~~~.com
CC: Jamila.~~~~~@~~~~~.com
Subject: Fw: Re: FW: Thanks for everything

In case you two were wondering what the heck our mother was talking about in the first paragraph ...

Thanks ...

Monica Collins (from mobile)

---

From: Monica Collins <~~~~~@~~~~~.com>
Date: Dec 29, 2011 11:04 AM
Subject: Re: FW: Thanks for everything
To: Tracey on ~~~~~ <~~~~~@~~~~~.net>

I'm sure the first part is referring to me.  As I tried to tell you, I was not arguing the point that was made.  It is true that I don't put others before myself and if I had kids, I might have trained myself to do that.  Then again, I might not have; we will never know.  It was when I was trying to rectify my error that I got pissed.  As it was, I went ahead and did it because I would rather hear (as I'm sure that I will sometime in the future) that I did correct the error against your wishes instead of how I left you with the portion of ham that you did not want.

Thanks ...

Monica Collins (from mobile)

---

On Dec 26, 2011 9:20 AM, Tracey on AT&T <csrich1947@att.net> wrote:

 

 

From: Tracey on AT&T [mailto:~~~~~@~~~~~t.net]
Sent: Sunday, December 25, 2011 9:04 PM
To: '~~~~~@~~~~~'
Subject: RE: Thanks for everything

 

You are so welcome.  Thank you for coming and bringing the family.  Everything was wonderful until the very last and maybe I said something I should not have said.  But maybe it needed saying way before now.  Maybe it has been said in other ways and other people have not listened.   

 

I will say this, on this one day, I put everyone else first and myself last.  I still got myself some gifts but my focus was getting you all something you would like and really wanted.  Sharon, I hope you and Steve enjoy the blanket.  Monica the book you got the girls is the bomb.  I would never have thought of getting it for them.  I hope with all the drawing material they learn how to draw something that looks like the real thing, which I cannot do. Jamila, if you want a different drawing machine, box that one up and send it back and I'll get the one you want.  BTW – I had a picture of Brooklyn in her new coat that Lisa texted me but she had difficulty sending it.  I'll try sending it to myself and attaching it to this email.    So I know that Brooklyn liked her gift and I think Alana and Kendal liked the Michael Jackson dance game for wii.  Tell Steven, that I have something planned for his birthday that I might like to borrow from time to time, and to let me know about the camera.  I really think I have the cable over her.  I'll try to remember to put it in my purse and bring it with me when I come over.

 

Of all the gifts you guys gave me, everything it is just perfect.  Jamila I love the pajamas.  Monica the gift cards are always welcome and one to my favorite restaurant!!!  But the gift Sharon gave me is the one that has me the most excited.  In the past I was going to take some writing classes but I am always so tired that I did not think I would get much out of it and I really did not have time to write.  I do now.  I know that I have books in my head.  I just have to figure out how to get what is in my head onto paper in a way that others will want to read.  This is a perfect gift for me and so thoughtful.  I was looking at the certificate last night.  I'm definitely going to take all four of the classes listed.  I can't think of a better way for me to get started on my writing career.  Then I think I am going to go on a writing seminar to Arizona put on by SMU.  That's only a hop, skip, and a jump from Las Vegas – that will either be my reward or my consultation for getting through the class. Then I'll give myself a year of hard writing and see where I am after that point.  Let's see if I can sell something to someone.

 

Thanks again for yesterday.  You all made me so happy.

 

 

 

From: ~~~~~ [mailto:~~~~~]
Sent: Sunday, December 25, 2011 8:17 PM
To: Tracey ~~~~~
Subject: Thanks for everything

 

We all had a great time. Thanks for making the meal and for all of the great gifts. The girls have been sketching since we got home.

We'll probably sleep late (until 7:30), straighten up, get some last minute things for camping trip + Lani's friend's b-day gift,, then to the movies and then lunch courtesy of Monica and Jamila's gift cards. I promised them no computer during the day, so we'll see how that all pans out.

I hope you liked your gift. I tried to think of something different, but interesting that you can and will use. There were about 6 total, but those I printed were the four that were most relevant to what you're working on right now.

Decide what classes, and I'll do the registration. Or, I can send you the link and you can register with my card.

Love you bunches! Thanks for all the things you do!

Always Grateful,
Sharon

Sent via ~~~~~

---

From: "Tracey ~~~~~" <c~~~~~>

Date: Sat, 24 Dec 2011 23:37:56 -0600

To: 'Tracey ~~~~~'<~~~~~>; <Sharon.~~~~~@t~~~~~>; 'S.~~~~~'<~~~~~t>; <~~~~~>; <~~~~~>; <~~~~~>; <~~~~~>

Subject: RE: This Christmas as opposed to last Christmas

 

Washed, dried, and put away several loads of clothes.  Got all the clothes off the chairs in my bedroom and bathroom and hung them up.  Tried to label most of the presents (at least I got everything into a bag except for two items).  Set the oven to clean itself and washed up most of the dishes.  The bird is in the fridge ready to be stuffed and cooked.  Santa will be here in 23 minutes. 

 

From: Tracey Richardson [mailto:csrich47@sbcglobal.net]
Sent: Saturday, December 24, 2011 9:39 PM
To: 'Sharon.Harvey@thomsonreuters.com'; 'S. Harvey'; 'mp_collins@hotmail.com'; 'shamara26@hotmail.com'; 'lwiley1@sbcglobal.net'; 'lisa.wiley@ihg.com'
Subject: This Christmas as opposed to last Christmas

 

Last Christmas, as I was getting the turkey ready for the oven, I was in so much pain I wanted to cry.  In fact, I said to myself that I was never going to try to cook dinner by myself again.  What a difference a year and a successful rotator cuff surgery can bring.  I have lifted the bird several times, chopped up the veggies (last weekend) and sauted them today.   I have washed up all the dishes several times and did my hair (involving holding my arms over my head for long periods of time).  All with no pain.  And most of all I can drive my car without having to move my hands around the steering wheel.  I can one-hand it.  I am actually looking forward to Christmas morning and not moaning and crying in my sleep.  And I'm watching "A Wonderful Life" after watching "Miracle on 34^th Street" two of my favorite Christmas movies.  The other one, "The Thin Man" I'll watch later tonight.

 

See you all tomorrow, or later today if you don't get this until Christmas Day.  Merry Christmas to all.

 

Mom

 

My mother

I can't believe that I have such fear of my mother.

We were having a conversation on the phone; she was driving up to Kansas City and was falling asleep/getting bored, so she started calling people. The conversation turned to why she was sleepy. I started suggesting things that might have done it. After two of them, Benadryl and muscle relaxers, I got the response of 'why would I take those if I was about to drive'. She then said something that amounted to implying that someone else would not have suggested those. She then closed the conversation stating that she was hanging up since I was making stupid suggestions or something to that affect. The word 'stupid' was definitely used. It pissed me off more than it upset me, however I did my deer-in-the-headlights impression and my brain could not up with a response that would have required more respect from her.

I believe that she pretty much does not have respect for her daughters. Jamila demands the respect from her. Sharon and Lisa will demand it most of the time. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite of Jamila and never demand it. I pretty much do that with most people that I'm not comfortable around; however, I do it just about all of the time around her. That scenario has happened numerous times throughout my life. I have various levels of fear for most people. With most, it’s an apprehension as to how the way that I am (act/behave due to my ADHD & Bipolar) will be perceived. With my mother, it was pretty much the same thing, with a second level of fear of feeling her levels of anger over things, many of which did not involve her children directly, and (at least on my part) trying to walk on eggshells at all times so that she did not get pissed and direct that anger at us.

To the same extent, I am the same way; however it gets directed to different people. The more comfortable I am around people, the less work I put into saying what is on my mind, whether it is tactful/nice/etc. or not. The less comfortable I am, the more I try to control my actions so that I do not do anything that would be perceived in the wrong way by others. The added benefit of my attempt to protect myself means that my watching my words and actions imparts a respect to others (a good respect, even though it stemmed from the respect that stems from fear). I do not strive to do the latter; it merely happens because of my striving to do the former. Duv has pointed out on many an occasion that I don’t respect him. Using the definition of respect that he used in our maybe 2-hour conversation over this, I can see his point. Up until now, I had defined the term respect in a different way, not by his example of having a respect, or fear, of a bear you might run across in the woods. Since I have been the most comfortable, or without fear, around my ex-husband, and now current boyfriend, the apprehension of saying the wrong things is gone. In the case of my mother, I am apprehensive over everything that’s said and done, even after 47 years.

Duv has suggested that I either find it within myself to deal with this fear, related to my mother, and most everyone else, if I want to be able to address situations such as this as they arise, or accept the fact that this will continue to happen. I totally agree. However, the thought of actually facing that moment and actually having to face up to her had me so upset that I cried the cry I do at the deepest level of the ‘fright’ of my fight-or-flight, where I am so choked up that my ‘old’ brain pretty much loses all but the basest of contact with my ‘new’ brain and can’t function and all I can do is sit there with the fear wrapped all around me. (Super descriptive, I know, however it was the best way to get the idea across.) She is the only one that I have that kind of fear over. I can ‘deal’ with her most of the time now, however there are occasions where my brain is so taken aback by what was just said/done/etc. that all I do is ‘act’ (flight) instead of ‘react’ (fight). I know this is a matter of ‘just do it’, however it’s really hard to ‘just do it’ with so much controlling you. Duv has also suggested that I speak with Jamila to find out how she has been able to do it all of this time. I personally think it has more to do with the way she grew up. The twins and I were gone by the time she was five, so she grew up more like an only child. My mother had grown somewhat since we were kids, as she had worked on the things that had been hindering her. Also, my mother kind of let her get away with things after Jamila was diagnosed with ADHD. I think that the fact that she was born of different genes, in the fact that she had a different father, had something to do with it as well; as in it also added to making her a different person. Jamila grew up to have more of a disdain towards my mother, which due to all of the above, and her own Bipolar, had her acting completely differently towards her than we did. As the twins got older and more removed from her, they developed the ability to stand up to her. I am the only one that did not. I know that I have to work on it, however I have never been able to, which leaves me screwed in situations such as this. After a time, people no longer want to hear your complaints and want to see a different reaction, and I have no idea how generate those new actions.

House Call Doctor : How Can You Tell If You Have Anxiety? :: Quick and Dirty Tips ™ Clipped from: http://housecalldoctor.quickanddirtytips.com/how-can-you-tell-if-you-have-anxiety.aspx

NOTE TO ANY READERS: I am going to do a bit of free-thinking to get all of my ideas about how this subject may affect me.  Therefore, the reading of it may be somewhat disjointed.  When I have finished emptying out my brain, I will try to bring it all together into a cohesive piece, but be forewarned if I do not succeed lol.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am curious as to whether or not I might have some form of anxiety or a minor panic issue.  There are things that I have always been apprehensive doing, and there are things that I have come to almost dread doing.

Always disliked doing and will try to avoid	Uncomfortable doing, but will do
For as far back as I can remember, I have hated asking for assistance.  Part of it is more of a willfulness to do it on my own, which would probably be classified under bipolarity's delusions of grandeur.  Not wanting to be made to feel somewhat beholding to, or humbled by others might also be that too, which I pretty much always feel when having to go to someone for something fairly substantial.   If I have to do it, I of course do, however I will go through other steps first instead of trying that one first.	I will ask instructors and bosses for instruction on how to do something.  I usually prefer to not have to ask if others are around, so that my question might not be considered as unworthy, or beneath me; after all, it's bad enough that the person being asked might think that.  I definitely do not like to be reamed the riot act around others, for the very reason.  However, since this very topic was one of the items brought to the attention of the group that was set up here at work, I know that I am not out of the ordinary in feeling this one.
The despising levels grow when it concerns my family.  Many a person have had to suffer a relatives giving them their opinion on the ills that they have done, all wrapped up in the candy coating of giving information for that person's own good.  Because of the Molotov cocktail that makes me 'me', I have heard that pretty much non-stop since early childhood.  Once I got to the point where I was not required to live through it, and subsequently be put into the position of 'feeling bad' over it, I have gone though some pains, many times great, to avoid it whenever possible.  I have spent a night away from home because I could not get home and would not call a family member for a ride.  I have spent a period of time without power in my home.  To avoid more 'conversations' about my handful of cats, I don't have my family over, however I pretty much avoided having my family over when I moved out, due to not sharing my personal information, for pretty much the same reasons.	I prefer not to have conversations that give a lot of information to others when out, like at work.  One, I probably at assigning my own feelings in situations like that: I don't want to listen to other people's conversations either.  I don't want private information that I can't do anything with, since I do try to refrain from 'gossiping', and I don't like overhearing other people's confidential or business talk to family or others.  I don't necessarily want or like seeing them in that light.  Also, I tend to feel uncomfortable over my conversations, since they often involve fixing some financial matter, like dealing with creditors in years past, or other such subjects.
Some personal information I will go out of my way to avoid giving.  This is usually information that tends to really grate against some people, such as how many abortions I have had.  I usually avoid that topic altogether, since it can be a hotbed, from the most religious to an atheist who might classify one such as I from anywhere between unworthy, to sleezy or trashy, to whatever.  IMO, those are the opinions that are hard to shake once they have formed in someone's mind about you.  Even bad spenders have received titles of that kind from some people.	I don't like when I've discovered that I've asked the same question numerous times.  I also get embarrassed when I've discovered that I have been referring to someone with the wrong name and they have had to correct me.  The embarrassment tends to provide ample emotion for me to remember the name
Crying, even for something good	I will often rely on husbands/boyfriends to ask questions of, since I do not want to appear less in someone else's eyes.
If a fault of mine is mentioned to me, I will try to turn it away from myself, or I might flip the situation around so that the other person is receiving some kind of guilt, so that mine is less.  An example would be that the other night, my family and I were talking about touchpad/tablets and I had mentioned that I had a keyboard for mine, to which my mother replied 'why am I not surprised', to which I then replied back something like 'and where did I get that from?'.  Unfortunately, my mother's version of this trait is just like mine, as in 'and where did I get that from', so she will flip things around just as fast, except she believes that I, and my youngest sister, the only other one to receive everything that she has, only in various degrees, switch it around on purpose to pick on her.  IMO, my sister does it quite a bit to pick on her, I however do it merely trying to not have to deal with a fault being presented to me.	When a boss might call me into his/her office, I will quite frequently assume it's because of some wrong that I've done.  After so many years of having done wrong things, I now automatically assume that I have again done something incorrectly.
I will frequently avoid asking for permission to do something, or avoid conversations with others where I might not get what I want, so that I don't get the no answer.  I attribute that to an anxiety due to not wanting the feeling of dealing with the refusal, and subsequently not getting whatever it is I desire to acquire.

  

How Can You Tell If You Have Anxiety?

Episode 64: September 21, 2010

Minor Illnesses  |  Major Conditions

Subscribe

Tip Sponsored By

by Rob Lamberts, MD

The podcast edition of this article was sponsored by Go To Meeting. Use Go To Meeting to hold your meetings over the Internet and to give presentations, product demos, and training sessions right from your PC. For a free, 45-day trial, visit GoToMeeting.com click the try it free button and enter the code "podcast."

The next two articles will cover an area that takes up a lot of my time in practice: anxiety and depression. These two problems are not just mental health issues; their presence can also greatly affect a person's physical health. Today I'll focus on anxiety, although I will start out with some general principles around both of these conditions.

How Can You Tell If You Have Anxiety?

When discussing anxiety and depression, we first have to define terms because both words represent emotions and medical conditions. Anxiety, the emotion, is a normal part of life. If you see flashing lights in your rear-view mirror, you get anxious. Simply feeling anxious is not cause for medical concern. The same is true for the emotion in depression--sadness--which happens as a normal part of life.

Clinical anxiety and depression are not the same as the emotions, although the emotions are present. These are real medical problems that have a big impact on your life. Two things separate emotional states and clinical conditions: duration and severity. In order to "officially" diagnose clinical anxiety and depression, symptoms have to last more than three months and have a significant impact on the daily function of life (although in reality, they are often diagnosed before 3 months).

I'm going to leave depression for next week and focus on anxiety now. 

What Is Anxiety?

So what is anxiety? Anxiety, the emotion, is a feeling of powerlessness or helplessness. If you had a magic button in your car that made the police car behind you disappear, the presence of those lights wouldn't be so traumatic. It's the inability to control things we think may hurt us that makes us anxious. When clinical anxiety exists, it makes life feel out of control...which creates more anxiety. That is perhaps the hardest thing about clinical anxiety: you get anxious about being anxious.

How Is OCD Related to Anxiety?

But anxiety takes many forms, many of which don't look like anxiety. When a person feels out of control, they often find ways to compensate. A good example of this is obsessive-compulsive disorder, or OCD. Many people with OCD have something in their life--past or present--that they want to control but can't. Perhaps they were abused as a child, or perhaps they've lost spouse or child. Their reaction is to control something that is in their power--like keeping their house clean, washing their hands, or locking the door. That attempt to control things becomes a compulsion--something they can't stop from doing.

What Is Generalized-Anxiety Disorder?

Big anxiety--anxiety that casts a long shadow in your life--usually needs professional help.

Sometimes anxiety is a non-specific feeling of worry or dread, such as with generalized anxiety disorder. Anxiety can be very specific to situations, such as with phobias including fear of bugs, snakes, public speaking, heights, or water. I am not talking about people who don't like bugs or snakes, I am talking about people who won't leave their house or can't sleep because of these fears. Sometimes the anxiety revolves around relationships, as is the case with social anxiety disorder, and sometimes the symptoms come in episodic flares, like with panic disorder. Finally, some people escape their anxiety using alcohol, drugs, or other addictions. That list is by no means exhaustive; the bottom line with these behaviors is that they are a reaction to the person's vulnerability or helplessness.

What Causes Anxiety?

Like most illnesses, anxiety disorders are a mix of heredity and environment. Having a family member with clinical anxiety doesn't guarantee you will have it, but it will make you more prone to trauma that can trigger clinical anxiety. But please hear me on an important point: anxiety has a reason. It's not moral weakness or a lack of faith that makes people struggle. Unfortunately, people around those with clinical anxiety don't know that, and often chide them to "just don't worry so much." That adds the emotion of shame to the struggle with anxiety, and it is unnecessary. People with anxiety disorders don't wake up and decide that they will be anxious. They would love to stop, but can't.

How to Cope with Anxiety

So what can be done about anxiety? Here are my Quick and Dirty Tips for dealing with anxiety.

Tip #1: Don't feel ashamed. I wouldn't blame you for bleeding if I threw a brick at you, and most people dealing with anxiety have had emotional bricks thrown their way.

Tip #2: Look for root causes. Usually there is something from the past that hasn't been dealt with that you are either trying to escape from or resolve. Understanding why you feel the way you do helps a lot in trying to overcome it.

Tip #3: Talk to someone. If the anxiety is not too big, talking to a friend, family member, or religious leader might help. But big anxiety--anxiety that casts a long shadow in your life--usually needs professional help. Find a counselor who has been trained to treat anxiety. You shouldn't be ashamed for seeking help; it's a much worse thing to run from your problems.

Tip#4: Take medications if needed. There are two main kinds of medications for anxiety: ones that last a short time, and ones that you take every day. The shorter-acting medications are usually medications like Valium or Xanax, which can be addictive if used too often. If you need one of these medications more that a few times a week, you should probably consider getting on a preventive daily medication, like Paxil or Zoloft.   These medications don't fix the root problems causing your anxiety, but they do steady your emotions enough that you can face those bigger anxieties that lurk in the shadows.

I'll stop here for now. There is a whole lot more I could say, but I just wanted to give an overview. Next week I'll cover anxiety's cousin: depression.

If you have topics that you want me to cover, send them to housecalldoctor@quickanddirtytips.com, or you can submit them to me on twitter (@housecalldoc) or my Facebook page.

Don't forget about my blog, Musings of a Distractible Mind.

Let me once again remind you that this podcast is for informational purposes only. My goal is to add to your medical knowledge and translate some of the weird medical stuff you hear, so when you do go to your doctor, your visits will be more fruitful. I don't intend to replace your doctor; he or she is the one you should always consult about your own medical condition.

Catch you next time! Stay Healthy!

Was this Tip Helpful?

Yes

No

Comments for How Can You Tell If You Have Anxiety?

Subscribe to Comments

sreenish

8/27/2011 2:47:24 PM

good, may be i can overcome my day 2 day problems.

thanks

sreenish

8/27/2011 2:44:59 PM

good, may be i can overcome my day 2 day problems.

thanks

mani

10/14/2010 9:53:15 AM

good

good

good

WarmSocks

9/23/2010 12:18:56 PM

Excellent overview. That makes it sound like anxiety is very treatable. Thank you for another great post.

Add Comment

They don't know

I don't think that the average person knows what it feels like to be so disgusted with being judged negatively about things that they would go out of their way to avoid doing so. I so dislike having to explain my reasons for things, like borrowing money from someone, that I would rather go through it borrowing it from some institution, such as a bank, to not have to be questioned about my plans for it. I would rather do that than go through that. At times, I close to having a panic attack when put in the position of having to explain the whys of my reasonings.

Interesting ...

eMail and Clarity

Collins, Monica P. [12:26 PM]:

just got my email down to 9 items

Lacy, Robert P. [12:26 PM]:

LOL!

4065 in my inbox unread

dont even want to look in other folders

Collins, Monica P. [12:26 PM]:

yes, i know how many you have

i can't keep that many; i tend to ignore everything and miss new stuff.

Lacy, Robert P. [12:26 PM]:

i see

Collins, Monica P. [12:27 PM]:

the only reason i wind up with so many is that i will go a couple of days w/o cleaning it out and then i stop cleaning it.

And we all know how, um, 'easy' it is to find 20-30 free moments around here lol.

Collins, Monica P. [12:33 PM]:

Because I didn't go into work, I got my ass in trouble over the blasted clarity, yet again.

Lacy, Robert P. [12:33 PM]:

orly?

Collins, Monica P. [12:35 PM]:

I had not filled out any of it.  When I don't do it on Friday, or Thursday before CDO, I tend to do it on Monday morning before 8am.

So I probably would not have wound up on the report.

Lacy, Robert P. [12:36 PM]:

:O

Collins, Monica P. [12:37 PM]:

I just took a look at when Parnell sent out here email: it was Sunday, so I still would have been screwed.  I have a reminder on my phone to do my Clarity, but I only do it on the weekend very sporatically.

Collins, Monica P. [12:41 PM]:

I had sent a reply to her query as to why the hell I didn't get it filled out - my words - however I retracted it because it would have sounded a bit flippant.

Lacy, Robert P. [12:44 PM]:

dang

Collins, Monica P. [12:45 PM]:

lol why do you say that?

Lacy, Robert P. [12:46 PM]:

curious as to what those words were lolz

Collins, Monica P. [12:47 PM]:

My words?  'As a matter of fact, if you must know, I do have reminders set.', Or something like that.

I've already got the remembering to do it part covered.

Lacy, Robert P. [12:48 PM]:

lol

Collins, Monica P. [12:52 PM]:

Right now, it's avoidance not wanting to interrupt myself, but mostly the former I think lol.

Interest

I find it interesting that I lose interest in guys (sort of) when I find out that they are taken. It seems like they are only interesting to me when they are potential sex partners.

Accomplishments this weekend

I got a lot done.

Saturday, I straightened out my workroom, working from mid-morning until early afternoon. All I lack now is to clean off the desks, putting everything there away. I can then start to work on making costume skirts in earnest, since I will actually have work space. I did a lot of pattern scanning, so that I can get rid of the paper patterns that are in various piles in my workroom. Late evening, I did grocery shopping, then got everything put away.

Today, I got three loads of clothes washed, ran some errands, washed two loads of dishes, changed the cat boxes, scanned some more patterns and cut up five pomegranates, so that I can put them into containers, to keep me from spending time at work pulling them apart as I ate them, meaning that my fingers would not be typing. I also got some files moved from G Notebooks, which will be going away soon, over to G Documents.

I should also mention that on both Saturday and today, I got completely dressed, in jeans and a top, not just in workout pants and a t-shirt, something that I rarely do.

I love my sun clock

There is a world of difference between having my sun alarm wake me, gradually having the light come on, and as I did this morning, in the dark, from a sound sleep by the 'Ruby' theme song. The good thing about that alarm is that, if I've had enough sleep, I can get up at the time I mean to, and sometimes earlier.

Typing

I've noticed that I've been typing much more accurately, while still keeping my original hyper speed. Not bad lol.

New med is kicking in again

Because of a snafu with my Xmas money, being a week off on ordering my meds, and having two weeks of meds left, I decided to skip ordering last month and stretched the two weeks that were left into four weeks by taking them every other month. I've just been back on them for the last two weeks. I noticed last night that I bypassed doing some things that I might have normally done.

* I didn't drink the beers that I had purchased until I got home.

* at the thrift store, I bypassed getting some five sweaters that I wanted that were a large instead of extra-large. Three of them were from my favorite label.

* I didn't make a search of stores looking for ribbon that didn't need to be bought last night, although I wanted to.

Not bad.

Self-Help for Adult ADD / ADHD: Tips for Managing Symptoms and Getting Focused

Self-Help for Adult ADD / ADHD: Tips for Managing Symptoms and Getting Focused:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_strategies.htm

This article has some interesting suggestions, some of which I know, plus one or two that I have been avoiding. It suggests that one should keep the same getting up schedule, even on weekends. The problem I have with that is that I get up at 5am during the work week. The idea of getting up that early on a weekend is not very thrilling.

Didn't want to go out

I wanted to get a beer today, however I didn't want to get dressed and go out, not to mention spending what little change I had on me.

Firefly and other shows

I am now obsessed with the show 'Firefly'. I've been watching it over the last few days. Plus, Science Channel shows the episodes frequently, so I catch them then as well. The only problem is that there were only 14 of them: cancelled in the first season. It was actually a good show. Too bad it got cancelled so soon.

I've done the same thing with 'Star Trek' and 'Blake's 7'. I've seen both of those a number of times, the former far more times than the latter.

And of course, there's 'Wall-E', 'Lilo and Stitch', 'The Family Guy's' Star Wars episodes, and a few others. Easy to listen to at work, since I don't necessarily have to watch them directly, since I've seen them so many times lol.

Gizelle

Today, for the 2nd day in a row, I hit the gizelle this morning before my shower. Let's see how long I can keep it up.

To talk or not to talk

I feel a need to talk to someone. I'd say that I'm somewhat bored, however I'm not at the moment.

Ashes to Ashes

I have been playing and singing this song all day long.

I did pretty good cleaning up yesterday:

cat litter
4 or 5 loads of clothes
maybe 4 loads of dishes
started cleanup of workroom
cleaned up washer overflow
worked on baby booties

Robert A. Heinlein - Wikiquote

Robert A. Heinlein - Wikiquote: "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
"Jubal Harshaw" in the first edition (1961); the later 1991 "Uncut" edition didn't have this line, because it was one Heinlein had added when he went through and trimmed the originally submitted manuscript on which the "Uncut" edition is based. Heinlein also later used a variant of this in The Cat Who Walks Through Walls where he has Xia quote Harshaw: "Dr. Harshaw says that 'the word "love" designates a subjective condition in which the welfare and happiness of another person are essential to one's own happiness.'""

This could be why I don't fare well in relationships: I don't put others above myself. By bipolar traits get in the way, being impulsive and other things that don't allow me to slow down and think things through.

Food

I'm supposed to be watching what I eat. Jr. is working with me on it. Every Tuesday in the status meeting, he gives me this look, which means 'you are not gonna eat those pigs in a blanket, are you, or those donuts?' I didn't have any during the meeting. However, I went and had two later in the day. What's the point of even trying to diet. I can't seem to fight my my will and desire. Sigh.

Physical attractiveness - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Physical attractiveness - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

'via Blog this'

People are usually attracted to people who look like them^[163] and they usually evaluate faces that exhibit features of their own ethnic or racial group as being more attractive.^[120]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I find myself all gaga over a new guy at work, so I'm thinking about this subject again.

I am the exact opposite and have been for as long as I can remember. Actually, I should clarify that and say that I am attracted many other, non-black groups. I have very little attraction to my own group, the very same black people. I don't know if I was 'born this way' or it came about because of my mother's boyfriend.

I have always felt out-of-joint and uncomfortable around my kind. I gravitate towards the other group that I've been around the most in my life, whites, but I'm sure they (figuratively) don't know what to make of this black woman that for all intents and purposes, in a manner of speaking, acts more white than black. Duv has referred to me as the whitest black girl he's ever met.

Weird. This new guy is not gonna know what hit him. (big sigh) Oh well.

A need for protein

I have been craving eggs over the last week. I believe that I do that whenever I need more protein.

I can't stand this

When I sit so that my feet sit flat on the floor, my legs usually don't bounce. However, I usually wind up sitting on my toes, because it raises my thighs up so that they are not pressing into the chair. When I sit like that, my legs start to bounce. I think that over time, I have gotten used to my feet not sitting flat on the floor. I'm sitting straight right now and it almost feels uncomfortable and unnatural. I have an urge to sit the other way, to sit on my toes.

I also don't sit straight like that because with the size of my butt, there is maybe 4 inches between my back and the chair back. Really, my bottom half of my body is bigger than the top, known as a pear shape. I remember as a teenager, and occasionally after that, I mother would try to get me to sit back. Because that pretty much has me leaning back, it's not comfortable. At work, when I lean back, I also put my legs up under my desk. In that position, my legs don't bounce. After awhile, change positions back to a sitting position. And it goes back and forth like that all day long.

Hello, I Am A Digital Hoarder.

Hello, I Am A Digital Hoarder.:

'via Blog this'

Out of patience

I'm tired of my relationship. Again.

Birthday

I've had everyone calling, wishing me a happy birthday.

Very, very sleepy

I didn't get much sleep last night. Consequently, I have been drifting off all morning. I hate when this happens. I'll wake up when it's time to go home. Then I'll start this cycle all over again.

Early!

I got up before the alarm this morning. I unfortunately slept very lightly last night so I was awake. I left home at 5:43 and arrived at my desk at 6:15. It's been a long time since I was up early enough that the street lights were still blinking on that stretch of Irving Blvd, lol.

Of course, since I didn't get a lot of sleep, the car kept lulling me to sleep and I fought that the entire trip. I'm trying to keep my eyes open right now.

New meds

I've started a new med, the name of which I forget. I've been on it a week. I have another couple of weeks to go before I'm supposed to be able to see the effects. It's supposed to cause my mania to go down a bit. I'm hoping this will do it.

Strength / Courage

Strength is knowing I might lose the battle


Courage is being willing to lose

Haruki Murakami: Talent Is Nothing Without Focus and Endurance :: Articles :: The 99 Percent

Haruki Murakami: Talent Is Nothing Without Focus and Endurance :: Articles :: The 99 Percent:

'via Blog this'

Lunch

I resisted the urge to get too much food today. I had already started eating the cucumbers and tomatoes that I had brought for myself. One of my coworkers started corralling people together to go to lunch. I decided to go ahead and get the BK California burger that I had been seeing all over the TV this past weekend. I did not supersize the meal up, instead opting for the regular size. I figured that with the cucumbers and tomatoes, supersizing would have been entirely too much.

This weekend

I spent the weekend transferring data from my Palm apps to Google apps and Evernote. I've got most of it done. I'll work for a few more hours tonight.

I still have some HanDBase databases that I am unable to translate, since DDH Software didn't upgrade their PalmOS stuff to WebOS. I think that along with upgrading Progect to WebOS, I'll do these as well. Or, maybe I need to move these to MySQL. A WebOS app exists that will get to them. Maybe ....

It's been a long time coming

Woke up late, because I did not set my alarm last night. It's been a long time since I've done that.

Also ....

I also got my Evernote cleaned out too.

This weekend

I got three of my four emails cleaned out. I pretty much trashed everything because I had not looked at it in all of that time, or I had already done something with it.

I got one of my slopers made. I wasted soup on it, so I need to buy more supplies and make it again. To add insult to injury, it was not the correct one that I needed, the size 10, so that I can start on the bedlah. That one has got to be next.

I somehow hurt my thumb on my left hand, so I wasn't able to do much of anything most of Saturday. By Sunday, the pain and stiffness had subsided somewhat. That was when I got my emails cleaned out.

Doing much better today

I'm feeling much better today.  I think that the Fanapt is finally out of my system.  I made my second-best time getting to work this morning.  I have been pretty diligent with the two items I set myself to work on today too.  Very nice.

I had a craving for eggs today, which means that I needed some protein.

New Stuff

I believe that I have found a new script writer. It's a good thing that I had my initial appointment with Dawn instead of with Dr. Patel. I definitely will probably like her more, since even the receptionist warned me that Dr. Patel tends to not spend a lot of time in a given appointment, as opposed to Dawn, who does, and with more frequency of overall appointments.

I had hopes for this med she gave me to try as an addition to Lithium, however the side effects are intolerable. Hopefully, there is another possibility.

ADDvance - Is your Daughter a Daydreamer, Tomboy or "Chatty Kathy"?

I was definitely the 'Chatty Kathy', except that I wasn't popular with the other students around me. I was known as Motor Mouth by my elementary school-mates.

ADDvance - Is your Daughter a Daydreamer, Tomboy or "Chatty Kathy"?

Came in late

Last week, I came up with a new game plan where my alarm is concerned. I set it to 5:20, allowing for one snooze before getting up. That gives me a half-hour to get ready and get going. I really need 40 minutes, however if I set the alarm to 5:10, I'll snooze it until 5:30. I figure that I might as well work with that, since I tend to sleep until my absolute latest time I have set for myself to get up. If I sleep past 5:30, then I have to cut stuff off of my morning routine. Oh, well.

Trying to get caught up

I just got my Facebook notifications caught up.  Whew!  That took a bit of time.  I had messages from last year out there that I never saw.  And I got all of those blasted game requests turned off, or at least set them to not notify me.  Those were a pain.

Still working on my article that I would like to submit to ADDAdvance.  I'd like to get a good deal of it written before I go to bed tonight.

Today

I woke up today with my foot in the worst pain.  I guess I slept with my foot in the wrong position or something. Or, it might have something to do with my outer calf muscle - fibula, maybe - which has been bothering me over the last week.  I had planned on cleaning my room but since I can't stand or walk without having to balance on a cane, that was shot.  I instead continued my tech PDF downloads, so it's not all bad.

Sunday

Yesterday, I did some picking up around the apartment.  I also downloaded a lot of PDF books, which was my goal for the weekend, so I'm happy.  Also washed two loads of dishes.

I had slept in a bit, not getting up until 9:30 or so.  Duv fed the cats, but made a big deal of mentioning it to me, since it's my 'job' to do so.  Pisses me off.  I don't think that he'll ever get to the point of things being 'family'.  It's constantly 'yours' or 'mine', never 'ours'.  It's been seven years since he's been in his old lifestyle, homeless, yet he still hasn't walked away from it.

Saturday

I took my nieces to Irving's aquatic center, which is practically across the street from them.  Nearly 7-year-old Alana screwed her courage up and went down the water slide, three times.  I even went once, getting water up my nose on the landing, which I absolutely abhor.

After the water park, I went to Macy's for a shoe sale.  After Sharon waved a pair in front of me that I couldn't much resist, I made the trip up to Lewisville to look for them.  Got an extremely good deal: two high-end shoes, including Steve Madden's for $57.00 and change lol.  I think that the salesman, Mir, was hitting on me.  He made a point of telling me his name and saying that he hoped to see me back.  Spent the rest of the day running errands.  Didn't make anywhere near what I wanted to on the tech books I sold to Half Price.  However, I knew that I would never get around to selling them on Craig's List or eBay so I went ahead and sold them there.  I just hate that I spent $200 on those books.  I didn't find out until some weeks later that a contractor at work had just about all of them on PDF.  I would have definitely gone that route and used that money for something else lol!  However, what's done is done.  It probably would have been wasted on something, so it doesn't bug me all that much.

My ManicTime tags

I have loaded my ManicTime tags from today and yesterday.  I have been very, very lax with this, pretty much on purpose.  When it was a bad day, the last thing that I wanna do is post it.

This weekend

Got a bit done this weekend.

I decided that I am not going to try and go to Yaa Halla (bellydance seminar) this year.  With my spillover from my matrix raise -- the lump sum that I will get paid because the percentage goes past how much I am supposed to be making (the only way I am getting a raise is to get bumped up to the next level, big sigh) -- I could buy the whole weekend.  However, what I have known for some years is this: 1) the teachers tend to teach a routine that is on some DVD, one that they happen to be selling at the seminar, which I usually can't get (not without buying through some nefarious means; 2) I do much better by having the DVD because even though I record the seminars I attend, there are some times that it helps to 'see' what they are trying to describe.  So, this weekend, I started searching for DVDs at Amazon, and searching for torrents and YouTube videos, of the dancers teaching at Yaa Halla this year.  I might still try to take a day's classes, depending on how much of my matrix I have left; I still would like to go and see Maroon 5, and maybe go to the Meet and Greet if a ticket is left.

I also got a lot of PC housekeeping done, by moving a lot of the shortcuts that I had saved all over my various PCs into EverNote.

I also dishes washed, and got clothes and covers washed.  I still have not gotten the bed made up; that's about the last thing left.

Cleaning out my closet

Last night, I started going through my closet and got rid of clothes that are too small for me to be wearing.  Anything smaller than XL is gone from half of the closet now.  Sad, since I still liked a number of the pieces that I got rid of.  However, when you reach 197lbs, you really have to be realistic.  The top that I wore to work yesterday was a medium, way, way too tight to have even been in my closet, since I’ve only had it a few months.  I do have more room on that side of the closet now.  And I have four bags to drop off at the DAV.  I’ll probably have a couple more tonight to add to it.  I should go through my shoes, too.  I have a number of pairs that I’ve either had too long or I’m not wearing at all.  I can stand to reclaim some room in my shoe drawers as well.

I don't have the same interest in this anymore

I really don’t see how linears pretend to such dedicated interest all of the time.  I am really tired of hearing about all of the stem cell stuff.  Really.  Most especially since I don’t think it will do all that much to improve his health, not like he thinks it will.  $12,000 for very, very little.  And on top of all of that, another year gone as we wait until I can get another loan from my 401k.  As much as he hates this fact, my consensus is one of two things: either he has got his homebrewed treatment going well enough that he is sufficiently well enough to get by in the world, or that his kidneys are so shot that he will have no recourse but to go on dialysis.  The way that he’s been talking about the state of his kidneys lately, I’m seriously betting on the latter.

 

He wants so much from the world, however it seems to me that every step he has taken has been so against the way that everyone else does things, and he then wonders why he is not farther along.  The entire world cannot be against you.  If you are seeing the same pattern against yourself over and over and over, you have to take some of the blame for things being as they are.

 

Oh, and my being extremely tired of being broke all of the time greatly contributes to all of this.  This has turned into an arranged marriage of sorts.  If he had not needed a place to stay right after we met, I’m sure that we would not have continued to see each other.  We are nothing alike and hardly ever see things the same way.  We love each other because we have spent nearly a decade together.  There was never ‘in love’.  And, to add insult to injury, I don’t even get the usual ‘chick’ niceties, like getting kissed. 

 

I’m just very, very tired of this.  Yes, I’m being selfish because I am getting very little out of this and I really don’t care who knows it.  This might be somewhat tolerable if I had someone on the side, however I don’t even have that.  I don’t want the two guys at work that want to hang out with me, cuz they only have one objective and are not even willing to work for it.  The guy that I did have an interest in proposed to a 23-year-old idiot that is only interested in drinking, partying, never working and being taken of.  For some absurd reason, he seems to find that sexy, yet the entire time I’ve known about her, he has done nothing but complain about how she’s only using him and giving nothing return.  Sheer stupidity.

 

I really am tired of dealing with guys right now.

Damn

I could really stand a couple of beers right now, or better yet, Long Island iced teas.  This late, though, I won’t venture out to get one.

This time was actually a discussion ...

… as opposed to an outright argument.  Military Star card.  Paid it down.  Then immediately ran it up again.  There was no yelling because he’s making a conscious effort not to, since our arguments always deplete him and make him feel worse.  I believe that the words ‘distrust’ and ‘disgust’ came up.  We even discussed my taking over my credit cards, and if I ran them into the ground then so be it.  Any overages on my part would then have to be covered by my discretionary funds, such as groceries or gas.  Between the time he went to his room to get my other credit card and his returning, he changed his mind on that.  He figured that he and the cats would still wound up suffering in some way.  That, and the fact that he cares too much.

 

Actually, that is probably exactly what needs to happen to me.  Whenever something’s happened to me in the past, something happened that turned things around so that I didn’t suffer all that much.  When I was 21 or so, and let those idiots sell me a car … and, by their not touching old car, had myself owing on two cars at the same time, that saving grace was that the company decided to close shop and disappear, with my old car along with others, that got me out of that mess.  That has happened in some shape or form for probably most of my life.  Nothing happened enough times to really drive the points home.  I usually found some way to save myself, or skirt the issue, or have it hit to a much lesser degree.

 

However, if I wound up having to suffer to teach me the consequences of my actions, would that even do any good?  Case in point: my mother.  Her life is not all that much better than mine.  She rents the house she lives in.  She is within a handful of years of retirement, and she can’t afford to retire, and she even obligated herself with a car payment she didn’t really need as much as want.  Her bonuses have been her saving grace all of these years.  She still plays ‘beat the bank’.  I know this because when I took her to a surgery appointment earlier this year, I watched her ‘get caught’ because she wanted to write a check for it, and her plans got screwed because the nurse rang up the entire total on her card, taking money from some other bill.  Her answer to my query was she has to (as in to get by from paycheck to paycheck).  I had to actually not allow myself to have checks on my account, else I would still be attempting it.  That’s about the only amount of control I’ve had over my spending issues in all of these years.  Of course, that has not stopped me from taking from whatever I could to get what I want.  I get loans against my 401K, meaning that I haven’t invested in my retirement account since 2000.  I have a shitload full of music downloads due to a web screen snafu, and my pushing  that error for all it was worth.  If a credit card sometimes lets amounts through, probably through an inability to check limits, I will exploit it whenever possible; I just tried to do the very same thing this past weekend.  I buy gift cards on my store card to get extra money.  Which is what started today’s ‘discussion’. 

 

I have never changed my ways for my ex-husband, nor for my boyfriend.  If I had ever had kids, would I have changed for them, like I like to hope that I would?  Truth be told, besides never having the inner desire to have and raise a child, I usually doubt that I would do the correct thing by any kid I might have had. I haven’t done right by myself for my own self.   I haven’t at 46, my mother hasn’t at 63.  I wonder if Jamila will truly ever learn as well.  After all, her answer to losing a job because she was constantly late was to find one where she had a lot of leeway about arrival times.  When she crashed her car, she turned around and got another one (which was exactly what I did 2 cars back, however one car back, when that one was lost due to impatience on my part, I refrained from getting another one until I knew where my finances stood, hence the 16 months sans one.)  Shouldn’t a 29-year-old strive for more?  Hell, I’m one to talk since the only time I was consistently on-time to work, if not downright early, was those 16 months of going without a car.  Having to rely on catching the bus on time, or making sure I was ready when my ride arrived, was the only thing that kept me on track.

 

So, in the end, am I really screwed?  Both my mother and I know that no guy wants to put with you for long if you can’t handle your own.  I know it, however I don’t know if she ‘truly’ knows it.