… as opposed to an outright argument. Military Star card. Paid it down. Then immediately ran it up again. There was no yelling because he’s making a conscious effort not to, since our arguments always deplete him and make him feel worse. I believe that the words ‘distrust’ and ‘disgust’ came up. We even discussed my taking over my credit cards, and if I ran them into the ground then so be it. Any overages on my part would then have to be covered by my discretionary funds, such as groceries or gas. Between the time he went to his room to get my other credit card and his returning, he changed his mind on that. He figured that he and the cats would still wound up suffering in some way. That, and the fact that he cares too much.
Actually, that is probably exactly what needs to happen to me. Whenever something’s happened to me in the past, something happened that turned things around so that I didn’t suffer all that much. When I was 21 or so, and let those idiots sell me a car … and, by their not touching old car, had myself owing on two cars at the same time, that saving grace was that the company decided to close shop and disappear, with my old car along with others, that got me out of that mess. That has happened in some shape or form for probably most of my life. Nothing happened enough times to really drive the points home. I usually found some way to save myself, or skirt the issue, or have it hit to a much lesser degree.
However, if I wound up having to suffer to teach me the consequences of my actions, would that even do any good? Case in point: my mother. Her life is not all that much better than mine. She rents the house she lives in. She is within a handful of years of retirement, and she can’t afford to retire, and she even obligated herself with a car payment she didn’t really need as much as want. Her bonuses have been her saving grace all of these years. She still plays ‘beat the bank’. I know this because when I took her to a surgery appointment earlier this year, I watched her ‘get caught’ because she wanted to write a check for it, and her plans got screwed because the nurse rang up the entire total on her card, taking money from some other bill. Her answer to my query was she has to (as in to get by from paycheck to paycheck). I had to actually not allow myself to have checks on my account, else I would still be attempting it. That’s about the only amount of control I’ve had over my spending issues in all of these years. Of course, that has not stopped me from taking from whatever I could to get what I want. I get loans against my 401K, meaning that I haven’t invested in my retirement account since 2000. I have a shitload full of music downloads due to a web screen snafu, and my pushing that error for all it was worth. If a credit card sometimes lets amounts through, probably through an inability to check limits, I will exploit it whenever possible; I just tried to do the very same thing this past weekend. I buy gift cards on my store card to get extra money. Which is what started today’s ‘discussion’.
I have never changed my ways for my ex-husband, nor for my boyfriend. If I had ever had kids, would I have changed for them, like I like to hope that I would? Truth be told, besides never having the inner desire to have and raise a child, I usually doubt that I would do the correct thing by any kid I might have had. I haven’t done right by myself for my own self. I haven’t at 46, my mother hasn’t at 63. I wonder if Jamila will truly ever learn as well. After all, her answer to losing a job because she was constantly late was to find one where she had a lot of leeway about arrival times. When she crashed her car, she turned around and got another one (which was exactly what I did 2 cars back, however one car back, when that one was lost due to impatience on my part, I refrained from getting another one until I knew where my finances stood, hence the 16 months sans one.) Shouldn’t a 29-year-old strive for more? Hell, I’m one to talk since the only time I was consistently on-time to work, if not downright early, was those 16 months of going without a car. Having to rely on catching the bus on time, or making sure I was ready when my ride arrived, was the only thing that kept me on track.
So, in the end, am I really screwed? Both my mother and I know that no guy wants to put with you for long if you can’t handle your own. I know it, however I don’t know if she ‘truly’ knows it.
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