Maybe an adult ADDer still learns in the same way as a child ADDer, by repeated actions. And maybe it still takes presenting adults with rewards and consequences, just as it is with children. I mean, losing a marriage is a consequence of bad behaviors. Going through that action over and over should teach someone that repeating the same actions gets the same results of a divorce, whereas changing some of the indicated bad behaviors keeps the marriage going longer. I’m thinking that there may be no way around having to be a child again, so to speak, to learn all of this. I think that I’ve come up with this logic before because the conclusion that I’ve come up with feels like a very familiar thought to me: the spouse that takes on the role of the ‘parent’ will grow very tired of having to teach all of the time and will eventually leave.
So, who do I get to take on the role of ‘teacher-parent’? Just like a parent is special to a child, someone that you usually want to please, I would think the ‘teacher-parent’ should be just as special, like a best friend, a mentor or spouse, someone that you don’t want to let down.
The consequences would have to be just as detrimental as having TV or PC privileges taken away are to a child. What could that ‘teacher-parent’ hold over an adult’s head that would be detrimental to that adult? It would have to be something that the ‘teacher-parent’ would not hesitate to use, that would not cause damage to the ‘teacher-parent’. Because of that, I’m sure that those that have taken on that role hesitate to use the threat of separation much. They either don’t want to separate themselves, or use it all of the time but don’t really mean it, which means that after awhile, it loses it threat-ability. Money might work, most especially if it’s used more as a reward than as a consequence.
I just started crying on the phone. That tells me that I really do care what Duv thinks about me and that I want to do things better. And, I am at a complete loss because I don’t know how to control myself. Maybe people inherently need those checks and balances and maybe ADDers just need more of them in place to teach them; after all, we are very bad at subtlety. Maybe those constant reminders of the rewards and consequences of our actions are what we need to keep us in line, because our minds are all over the place, and can’t always see through the dozens of other thoughts, the image of what we will lose if we act bad, or what we will gain if we act good. The major problem with that logic is that linear thinkers, who don’t live their lives with the myriad of thoughts crowding their heads, see the reward/consequence in plain sight, and just don’t understand why we abstract thinkers don’t see it as well. The constant reminding of them would tend to make them bigger, so to speak, in our minds, to my way of thinking. However, linears don’t want to have to keep reminding us of that. Just as parents eventually get tired of having to remind children over and over about this and that, I speculate that teachers of adults have the same problem, actually even more so because they figure that the adult should already know it and should not have to be told. I should not have to be told to not spend money dedicated to something else. I should not have to be reminded of it over and over. My linear boyfriend does not have to be reminded that he can’t spend money that is supposed to be going to something else and he expects that his abstract girlfriend should always be thinking the same way. My linear ex-husband thought that his abstract ex-wife should want to willingly do her share of the housecleaning, and not have to be poked and prodded to do them. It is my belief that since the two of them did not understand that since there were no consequences attached to them in my mind, they did not stand out among the many other thoughts so anything that popped up in front of them looked much more appealing.
The consequence of getting speeding tickets keeps me from speeding (most of the time; the more I’m drugged, the more I tend to drive the limit, however I think that feeling really, really good can sometimes override the medicines). I’ll bet that getting paid for driving the speed limit (i.e. a reward) would encourage me even further, kind of like what All State does for drivers that go a year without getting tickets. Maybe it’s just a simple matter of stating those rewards and consequences, and really truly meaning them. Some little blurb of an article I read many, many years ago just came to mind. A woman had been trying to quit smoking for years, but had never succeeded. Her husband had made a deal with her. She had wanted a fur coat. He agreed that for every day that she did not smoke, he would give her an amount of money. At the end of the year, he would double it and help her to get the coat that she wanted. That was a very good incentive to her. The reward of that coat kept her going. I have often read in various things about setting yourself the reward of something to pick up the habit of doing something or when you are trying to achieve something, like weight loss. I think that it doesn’t work in my case because there is nothing that I can hold over my head.
