By the end of the argument, Duv was wondering, as he often does, who in my past so screwed me up that I get on the defensive whenever I’m faced with dealing with something I might or might not have done. Instead of dealing with it, and working to make sure that it does not happen again, I start defending myself, not only when I know that I’m in the right, but even when I am in the wrong. Lol, little does he know that just about all of my past has made me this defensive. When you have so many telling you the same thing, telling you that you are this or that, or not this or that, it either beats you down, leaving you afraid to do anything, or you fight back, trying to prove that you are right. As it is, I’m usually a bit apprehensive about what I do around others, although it hardly shows anymore. I even have far less fear around my mother than I did when I still lived at home more than two decades ago. The one thing that I still can’t abide is when the men in my life point out my wrongness. That still hurts more than all of the other ones put together, because they are supposed to be on my side.
Argument History.
Duv had left a list of items to make sure and pick up from the store. At the top was cat dry and cat cans, which I already knew, since I bought them every two weeks, so I didn’t pay it a whole lot of attention. I was more concerned about the items on the list that were not usually there. By the time that I got to the grocery store, the last stop that I made, I was pretty much on auto pilot and no longer using the list, I was pretty much done with it. I had maybe five extra things that I had come up with, along with the three that I had already written down on another sheet of paper, so I wrote the down five that I was chanting in my head so that I wouldn’t forget them. I transferred the one item that I didn’t find at the other stores, the 9V battery, then I put his in my wallet. When I got to the cat stuff, I got the cans and the treats then, as I usually do, mentally tried to figure out if I needed dry or litter that week. I got litter, the wrong item. At that point, I wasn’t even thinking of Duv’s list anymore, I was doing what I usually do.
I really need to go back to using my SplashShopper list. We used it religiously some years ago, and then we stopped using it, mostly because both of our lists had changed. I’ve put off getting back to it this past year, due to the problems I’ve had with my smartphone. I’ve got to sit down and review and rebuild the list, something that I don’t want to do (numerous, more interesting things that I could instead be doing.)
This morning, I was going into work late. Duv wanted me to drop him by ACE and then go to Kroger and get the cat dry, since it was right across the street. I did not want to deal with that and instead chose to do it on the way home. That was the start of the fight, since he couldn’t see why I would want to wait and could instead do it then instead of waiting in the car for him. My reasoning of it not being needed then, since there was enough dry to get them through the day, was not sufficient (I believe the words I’m being lazy were used). He did not tell me initially that he did actually needed it – this came out much later, in part two of the argument. Actually, that was not exactly true, since I knew there was some in the smaller container that sits under the cabinet, however, I never did mention this.
Part two or the argument revolved around why I botched up the shopping list, not getting everything on it. On my part, I don’t really have a very good reason for it. I had all but glanced over the cat supplies initially, because I knew what needed to be bought. Later, when I was trying to remember if it was the dry check or the litter check, it never occurred to me to look at his list. I think that I had already put the list from my mind, since I had determined that I was already through with the stuff that I needed the list for in the first place. I did as I always do and resorted to my own resources.
He felt as though I slighted or disrespected him since I didn’t follow his list to the letter. Or, if he should even bother with doing something like that again. I don’t know what to make of that one. I think he’s going slightly overboard; this is the guy that considered anyone telling him something false, as being lied to, even in cases where the person giving the knowledge didn’t know it was incorrect (and he had to get a second opinion to even see my side of that one). I’m at somewhat of a loss over this one. He acts as though I should always do things perfectly, mostly in hopes that I will try to live up to that. I know that won’t be the case, no matter how many times I actually get it right. And I know that the one ‘oh shit’ will take away any and all ‘atta girls’ that I might have accomplished.
My fault with hooking up with a perfectionist Scorpio. The way I see it, there will never be real winning on my part.
