My mother

I can't believe that I have such fear of my mother.

We were having a conversation on the phone; she was driving up to Kansas City and was falling asleep/getting bored, so she started calling people. The conversation turned to why she was sleepy. I started suggesting things that might have done it. After two of them, Benadryl and muscle relaxers, I got the response of 'why would I take those if I was about to drive'. She then said something that amounted to implying that someone else would not have suggested those. She then closed the conversation stating that she was hanging up since I was making stupid suggestions or something to that affect. The word 'stupid' was definitely used. It pissed me off more than it upset me, however I did my deer-in-the-headlights impression and my brain could not up with a response that would have required more respect from her.

I believe that she pretty much does not have respect for her daughters. Jamila demands the respect from her. Sharon and Lisa will demand it most of the time. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite of Jamila and never demand it. I pretty much do that with most people that I'm not comfortable around; however, I do it just about all of the time around her. That scenario has happened numerous times throughout my life. I have various levels of fear for most people. With most, it’s an apprehension as to how the way that I am (act/behave due to my ADHD & Bipolar) will be perceived. With my mother, it was pretty much the same thing, with a second level of fear of feeling her levels of anger over things, many of which did not involve her children directly, and (at least on my part) trying to walk on eggshells at all times so that she did not get pissed and direct that anger at us.

To the same extent, I am the same way; however it gets directed to different people. The more comfortable I am around people, the less work I put into saying what is on my mind, whether it is tactful/nice/etc. or not. The less comfortable I am, the more I try to control my actions so that I do not do anything that would be perceived in the wrong way by others. The added benefit of my attempt to protect myself means that my watching my words and actions imparts a respect to others (a good respect, even though it stemmed from the respect that stems from fear). I do not strive to do the latter; it merely happens because of my striving to do the former. Duv has pointed out on many an occasion that I don’t respect him. Using the definition of respect that he used in our maybe 2-hour conversation over this, I can see his point. Up until now, I had defined the term respect in a different way, not by his example of having a respect, or fear, of a bear you might run across in the woods. Since I have been the most comfortable, or without fear, around my ex-husband, and now current boyfriend, the apprehension of saying the wrong things is gone. In the case of my mother, I am apprehensive over everything that’s said and done, even after 47 years.

Duv has suggested that I either find it within myself to deal with this fear, related to my mother, and most everyone else, if I want to be able to address situations such as this as they arise, or accept the fact that this will continue to happen. I totally agree. However, the thought of actually facing that moment and actually having to face up to her had me so upset that I cried the cry I do at the deepest level of the ‘fright’ of my fight-or-flight, where I am so choked up that my ‘old’ brain pretty much loses all but the basest of contact with my ‘new’ brain and can’t function and all I can do is sit there with the fear wrapped all around me. (Super descriptive, I know, however it was the best way to get the idea across.) She is the only one that I have that kind of fear over. I can ‘deal’ with her most of the time now, however there are occasions where my brain is so taken aback by what was just said/done/etc. that all I do is ‘act’ (flight) instead of ‘react’ (fight). I know this is a matter of ‘just do it’, however it’s really hard to ‘just do it’ with so much controlling you. Duv has also suggested that I speak with Jamila to find out how she has been able to do it all of this time. I personally think it has more to do with the way she grew up. The twins and I were gone by the time she was five, so she grew up more like an only child. My mother had grown somewhat since we were kids, as she had worked on the things that had been hindering her. Also, my mother kind of let her get away with things after Jamila was diagnosed with ADHD. I think that the fact that she was born of different genes, in the fact that she had a different father, had something to do with it as well; as in it also added to making her a different person. Jamila grew up to have more of a disdain towards my mother, which due to all of the above, and her own Bipolar, had her acting completely differently towards her than we did. As the twins got older and more removed from her, they developed the ability to stand up to her. I am the only one that did not. I know that I have to work on it, however I have never been able to, which leaves me screwed in situations such as this. After a time, people no longer want to hear your complaints and want to see a different reaction, and I have no idea how generate those new actions.