I’ve been thinking about today’s argument almost all afternoon – that, and how I screwed I am on my yearly review because the end of fiscal is this Friday and not Monday, meaning that I lose 3 days to finish stuff up. Even if I had not taken off the 3 days last week, I still would have wound up screwed, since it was Monday’s conversation with David that did me in, about my having less output on the Easytrieve+ conversion project and because of that, I more than likely will not get any kind of brownie points for not even having gotten started on one of my listed goals. I’ll probably wind up with a marginal rating again, which means that I can’t take any courses over the next year. As I said, I’m screwed, but I digress.
Anyway, a bit ago, I pulled out Dr. Barkley’s ‘Taking Charge of Adult ADHD’ and started flipping through it. The very first rule he has in the book is about stopping the impulsive action, like stopping yourself from responding to the remark before a thought is given to what one would respond with. That is the one thing that I don’t do with those I have gotten close to, that I have let my guard down with. I learned to do it by junior high, after all of my elementary time was spent being the butt of my ‘friends’ prodding (their favorite thing was to tell me that they were not going to be friend anymore – I know that I tried really too hard to be friends with them, and others, probably because I came off as the strange one in our classes – and after they had gotten me to start crying, they would then take it all back. I learned to stop that by 5th or 6th grade, but it left me wary. After that, I usually watched most everything that I said or did, for fear that my later classmates didn’t have something else to ridicule me about. When you get called obnoxious, and then later learn what the word actually means, trust me, you learn to be wary. However, I would usually slip, and still often do, when I am comfortable around a person. To this day, I find myself having to do that, although now, I am better at stopping most of it from being said before it happens. However, if I have been drinking, like at a holiday party, then most of those bets are off. I am more cautious around what I say to my family than what I say to my boyfriend and would say to my ex-husband. As I told Duv today, I am no longer on my Ps & Qs around them, so every slight remark gets said. I believe that he thinks that I don’t care that I’m hurting him when I disagree with him so much and then voice that opinion. Yes, I disagree with him constantly, the problem is that, I don’t hold my tongue. If I disagree with his opinion, then I disagree (and that is an entirely different argument), that is my right, however I can just keep it to myself. But then, I am left with this: what do you do afterwards? I am not going to lie and say that I agree when I don’t, because I really do try not to lie (so that I have to remember them all at a later date). People tend to want responses and that leaves me at a loss, because that puts me in ‘deer in the headlights’ mode and my creative thinking, and my remembering the past, for that matter, just shuts down and I have to rely on autonomic responses, which just don’t cut it. If I’m pushed, I tend to get angry, which means … well, you get the picture.
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An aside: I also again read in the book about his brother’s driving accident that brought about his death. One thing he mentioned, along with other things such as a variance in their steering (Oh, look at the billboard, then my car starts veering in that direction, guilty!) are ‘less like to wear a seat belt [this I do, ever since my 26YO sister was three and refused to wear hers; after the child safety belt law passed, I would put mine on to get her to, and it has been a habit of mine ever since, but it’s probably the only consistently correct thing that I do.] or to keep their attention on the road instead of twiddling on the stereo controls or radio stations [getting a car stereo with a remote and presetting my favorite stations cut this down immensely], text messaging or talking on the cell phone while driving [having a headset helps with this, and I rarely text while the car is in motion, however I have been known to do it on occasion. I have to think twice about it now since we had to sign something at work about it.], or [and here is the klinker] just socializing too much with other in the vehicle.’ That last one gets me frequently. In the past, when I have driven for work-related stuff when others are in the car, I have had to pretty much keep quiet, else I become too animated and make a driving mistake, like clipping a curb. The problem with that is that is trying to explain to others why I have to keep quiet, else it come off like I’m being cold or snobbish or something. I have had that on-going problem with Duv for ages, most especially when we make our bi-weekly trip to Whole Foods. Duv will attempt to correct me whenever I make a driving mistake, like when I forget to use a turn signal. Believe it or not, I’m actually pretty good about using my signals, when I am by myself. When I am speaking to someone, either in the car or on the phone, it’s often forgotten. I have tried explaining that I need to not get into such animated conversations, but I don’t think that he really gets it. When we try that, I am of course much better, but we are then left sitting in the car not saying anything, which seems to be a problem for him. When he tries to correct me, I get pissed, because whether or not I make a mistake, I do not believe it’s anybody’s place to correct the driver while he/she/me is driving. Afterwards, maybe. He counters with saying that he would do that to anyone, even his brother, and I consider that rude. He has a strange history in that although he has been in trouble with the law quite a few times, he has always made a point of driving by the letter, the better to avoid the law with. So, he spends time correcting me so that the law don’t pick up on the fact that I’ve done something wrong. (I personally think that a couple of his worries might be misplaced, since I think that many of his previous altercations may have had a lot to do with bad-guy ‘profiling’. He and his friends once drove my Focus and they got stopped because of a turn signal was out. That light had been out for ages and I was never stopped for it. Four bad-boy looking guys (with Duv being the oldest at 24) get in the car and they are suddenly stopped. Yup, profiling lol! The cop even called me to make sure that I had indeed let them drive the car. If that doesn’t tell you something … The arguments come about because of nervousness about driving on the highway (that Sensory Integration Sysfunction/sensitivity disorder, which I figured out he has and Pangtay did confirm was a possibility) and his correcting my every driving mistake, and my then becoming pissed about his correcting my driving. By the time we get to Whole Foods, we often are not speaking. However, on occasion, we do manage to make it there sans arguments. I try to keep his mind off of the actual driving trip and to, as kindly as I can muster, remind him that he has agreed not to correct me.
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