'Ruby'

Even though I am not fighting the amount of weight loss that Ruby is, I can see that a lot of things that are showing in today's show relate to me so much.  I saw it this episode this morning, then part of it in the last hour, and now again in the repeat hour.  Yes, I am fighting weight loss, however, I see so much of what she is going through applying to my ADHD as well.  She has hit 'that' point, that point where it is no longer easy and she has to face the addictions that she fights and not having the same motivations that she had before.  She has a lot of the same defense mechanisms I have: "I know what I'm doing"; "when I'm pushed, I shut down"; etc.

 

TV that I've watched today, and last night, have been hitting a nerve with me. 

• Ruby needs help from others for accountability and to push her, because she won't push herself and she knows that; I find that I am there myself.  She's finding that she doesn't want to do that things that were progressing her forward, exercising and watching her diet and all of that.  Same with me.  It was easier a decade ago when I did this, however, things were different then and I cannot make those changes I did then.  I dropped my head pills (Lithium, and I wasn't taking Strattera at the time) and took diet supplements to counteract the blood pressure pills that I could not stop taking.  It took me two years, and being extremely hyper from the many diet pills I took and spending the second year going in to the gym every work morning, going to belly dance class two work nights and Saturdays, and going to the gym the other free work night, to lose 50 pounds.  I cannot do that again.  A year or so after accomplishing that, I realized that I really needed to get back on the Lithium.  
• I'm listening to the spot in 'Rudy' now where she is coming up with numerous reasons why she can't do obstacle course.  I see often where she won't try something.  I know I do that sometimes.  Mine tends to stem from a fear of looking bad.  However, it has the same effects.  Later, she was lamenting that she wanted to find someone to believe in her, for her, because she could no longer do it.  I have found myself there.  At that time, all I had was myself to get through things.
• Watching a 'Super Nanny' marathon today, one episode dealt with a child with ADHD.  One of the suggestions that the parents had been given was to only go over one homework assignment at a time.  Part of me was chuckling from that because my current boss and I are trying that tactic now (after my last review fail way below where it should have).  Within a year of separating from my husband in 2002, I realized that, after my boss had gone on extended sick leave, that I was not doing well at work.  It was then, after searching for organization stuff on the internet and came across www.livingwithadd.com, that I was reminded of my ADD: it had been suggested a couple of years before, however I had never looked into it. That time period, which also included a new rating system at work that went by 'tell us what you are going to do this year, and we will rate you on that', (the bane of existence for ADDers) instead of the old version of 'show us what you did and we'll rate that'.  Up until that point, I had found a way to do only one thing at a time.  (I even instinctively knew that even though I can do a number of things at one time, they would not get done well at all; it was much better to do one thing at a time.)  I was then at a point where I had to multitask like everyone in my office, lol and I was SO lost.  I'm now having to step back.  However, to get that next promotion, I need to learn to manage it all myself.
• The final season episode of 'Fairly Legal' hit a bit as well.  That's for another day, though.

(big sigh) this probably sounds like a lot of whining on my part.  Lol, or ranting or raving.  Dunno.  Just had to at least try to say it.